a daily fangirl whine

I was lucky enough to get chosen to be an extra for Strawberry Night's movie filming..

akdfjahjdfhasdjf i can only imagine how fancy it is to be a JE fan in Japan~

and back on to questioning what to do in life...

this life i'm currently living, this lifestyle, this kind of laid back "tilikan derajat 5" self of mine...
i know for sure won't get me survive the real world

one year
i got only one more year to hide under the status of being a student

after that "poffft~"

i'm on my own
i have to be on my own

i'm cursed when i'm not. i'm doomed when i'm not.

to be the ever tolerable AND tolerating grown up.
to be a pleasant person. or at least act like one.
to work hard. for my own sake. to actually fall straight to the bottom of society (yes it's society. about your class in society. not about being sociable) ladders when i don't (and economic ladders as well).

to be pretentious. to actually question "what was idealism, again? what is it this whole idealistic mind set the people in the college try to plant into our brain these whole past years?".
then to let the answer swallowed by the real world.

these facilities i'm having right now prolly alright to have as med student.
but it's certainly overbudget for a general practicioner.

then the money from the work will go to educational savings, or simply vanish due to this overbudget for a GP lifestyle of mine....

when will i be able to go to Japan, then?
why can't i make living by being a fangirl T_T

why does this major i take is one so hard to get scholarship abroad? other than for research... nooooo i'm more interested in fellowship than in research.

and yet i haven't think about what major to pursue~
how could i when i'm still in this love/hate relationship with this science (or myself)... *sigh*


come to Indonesia dear Ohkura Tadayoshi~ (yes, i'm calling ohkura, not gotoh)


i need to learn how to drive
how to cook
finish this stuff for the undergrad graduation
write bits for the group scrapbook
buy some share for the so called educational investment

but before.... i'm going to Thai (yay!) for which i haven't actually search itinerary of. yes, shoot me. will go on wed, though. let's move this lazybum of mine.

identity crisis: solved

so let's just say i'm having an identity crisis

or to justified myself, trying to see whether i'm having a change in personality or not..

so let's see... from just the wand
from this heroic auror fella (the aspen) to an emo (hazel)
from a unicorn hair core, to a dragon core. ehem.

me and my ambivalency.
or i just simply change.

so at first i'm a gryffindor.

now on to the sorting.

still a gryffindor!


woooohooooo!!!

meluruskan otak. meluruskan hati.

jadi saya sedang gundah gulana.
dikala biasanya orang (atau saya lebih tepatnya) curhat biar bisa meluruskan "sebenernya masalah saya apa sih" atau bahkan sudah sampai tahap "oke jadi apa yang mesti gue lakuin..."
saya sudah entah dari kapan tau "oke gue mesti begini..." tapi ngga dilakuin juga... semangat naik turun... dan mungkin sampai pada titik tertentu berpikir "yaudahlah yaa" tapi dengan batin yang gelisah (iya, seriusan, gelisah, kaya orang gangguan cemas). ga ngelakuin apa-apa, tapi pas lagi ga ngapa-ngapain itu ya hati ga tenang tidak nyaman tidak damai. tilikan derajat 5 lah pokoknya.

setiap bilang "okay starting today i will..." ujungnya hanya janji kosong... lalalalala...
saya semakin ahli procrastinating. atau semakin ahli ngeles juga mungkin. why oh why.
semacam anak yang banyak maunya. mau doang. usaha kaga.
gundah gulana lah pokoknya.

dengan segala idealisme dulu bahwa "getting stuck in a certain level and not climbing up is what i fear the most"
and yet now that's exactly what's happening... with me knowing that i have to do something to stop myself from deteriorating, again at some point knowing what to do, but never actually do it.

"it's your own fault, nis" ya ya i know *rolls eye*

entah sudah berapa modul... sampai-sampai benar-benar berpikir "i don't belong here... i don't think this is what i want to do for life"

now that i think about it, itu cuma pelarian kayanya... i'm a quitter, i know that. meski pernah mencoba dan mencapai titik-titik di mana saya me-tekadkan diri menjadi seseorang yang berkomitmen.... saya tau saya akan punya tendensi untuk lari, untuk kabur, di saat saya tau saya akan gagal.
an "i have nothing to lose" attitude, is something i need.

saya yakin saya pernah berada dalam periode di mana saya bisa melihat kegagalan sebagai "yah, namanya juga belajar... kalau ga sakit ya ga belajar... berarti next time begini begini begini... next time saya harus perhatiin ini ini ini..."
tapi ya itu... dasar saya bocah "knowing what to do but not doing it",so it's no surprise failing on something supposedly anticipated.
dan teteup dong kecewa. dan tentunya dengan menyadari begini, kecewanya paling besar sama diri sendiri. blaming circumstances is always easier to do. serius deh, dibandingkan memandangi diri sendiri dengan hina. which, now that i realize, is my hugest source of self esteem.
dan jadilah saya seorang pengecut. yang lebih memilih lari saat merasa akan gagal. yang lebih memilih diam dan tidak  mencoba karena takut gagal.

yang berdalih tidak bisa percaya orang, karena takut dikecewakan.
i just don't trust myself. now, that's the truth.
if i don't trust myself enough, don't even appreciate myself enough, how would i do so to other people?

semua dari "tau mesti ngapain, tapi ujungnya ga dikerjain"

i don't know what i want to do in life. saya pengen ke jepang. itu yang pasti.
dan pilihan jurusan saya membuat keinginan itu agaknya jadi (sangat) sulit untuk dicapai dengan kelakuan tilikan derajat 5 saya.
sampai akhirnya saya berpikir "i hate this, why am i even doing this, i'm not suitable for this, i'm not interested in this"

ngga kok nis. you know you'll be in a good mood and good spirit once you accomplish something.

gee i even realise why it's so hard for me to actually produce some good writing.... because i don't want to think, i don't want to contemplate, i don't want to observe. saya cuma mau lari.

now as lowly as it is, - cause i know i'm deteriorating so i no longer should compare my now self to my old self, it's crushing down my already low self esteem - gue membandingkan diri gue dengan orang-orang yang pernah gue kenal mungkin sekitar jaman SD jaman SMP (dan sekarang sejujurnya gue ga tau how their life is, just getting slight impression). some of them seemingly live better life than mine, some live life i'm not interested to live in, some live life i cannot imagine as to how could they feel content being so....

but then i realize... ah ya, that feeling of achieving, of accomplishing, yang jadi sumber self esteem saya lah yang bikin saya stres berat begitu itu tidak tercapai... (sekali lagi karena tilikan derajat 5)

they could feel content being so. okay, you want people to be more ambitious, just because deep down you actually are. tapi ya ayo ditanya "why aren't you feeling a little bit content with what you have?"

because even when you know you still have so much to do, so much to chase, so much dream you want to make real... it's never wrong to be thankful of what you have now.


semua ada jalannya nis.
semua punya jalannya sendiri.

do'a hari ini: semoga bisa jadi tilikan derajat 6.

Reciprocation

there you are, with that longing look.

you do realize fully of your unrequited love. wait, not unrequited. more like forbidden?

you would definitely laugh at the word forbidden.

and laugh at me for saying it.

"it's not that i've done something adultery! platonic! platonic it is!" you would brush it off.

but still, there you are. right next to me. with that longing look towards him.

a look i'll never get from you, i suppose.

* * *

you cannot lose something you never have, they said

and yet here i am mourning

you'll have all those judgement of me and my fall-for-the-unavailable tendency in your head

and i know you probably secretly laughing at me

"oh how i am in misery" the phrase, with mockery, should do

and just probably too, you are secretly pitying me

or even better, pitying yourself for my stupidity (and maybe your stupidity too?)

and yet you are here, next to me, squeezing my hand, supporting me for the lost of something i never have.

* * *

so there they are, in a dim light of a livehouse. drowned within the crowd and the noise.

with all the paradoxes possible to happen at once. hand in hand. fingers entangled.

longing,

sadly not for each other.

-------

finally a writing?

inspired by Asian Kung-fu Generation's Kakato de Ai wo Uchinarase live performance...

it's amazing no matter how much i've been K8ed, AKG is forever my muse

karena saya sudah terlalu lama mengabaikan

ya, sikap masa bodoh itu mungkin hanya kedok.

mungkin hanya pelarian.

sikap masa bodoh itu sekedar upaya untuk menunda, atau bila diperbolehkan, untuk tidak perlu memikirkan sama sekali mengenai masalah.

ada masalah yang memang tidak perlu dipikirkan. tapi semua tau masalah seharusnya diselesaikan. sikap masa bodoh itu pelarian. karena kecilnya diri menghadapi tembok. karena enggannya diri melangkah keluar dari gerbang kenyamanan.

pikiran saya terlalu lama bersantai-santai. antara menggampangkan segala hal, atau justru mengaggap semuanya terlalu sulit untuk dihadapi. masalah nyali ini sudah terlalu lama terbengkalai. hingga pada suatu saat diri berusaha memulai, ia sadar kalau sudah nyaris tidak punya hati.

lebih mudah menganggap diri tidak punya hati sama sekali, dibanding menghadapi rasa sakit. ya, mungkin ada cara lain untuk akhirnya berbesar hati. ya, mungkin seharusnya kita berusaha memahami. tapi ya sekali lagi, pikiran saya kurang lebih sudah kaku, sudah terlalu lama tidak berputar membantu hati bertemu dan mensortir rasa ngilu.

kalau tidak sakit ya tidak belajar.

itu benar.

saya tidak mau sakit. makanya saya bersikap masa bodoh. akhirnya saya tidak berpikir. dan tentunya saya jadinya tidak belajar.

memulai kembali setelah sekian lama berhenti juga bukan perkara mudah. pasti bukan perkara mudah.

semakin lama menunda semakin besar dan tebal tembok ketertinggalan itu kokoh berdiri. dalam hati menunggu berujar "mungkin nanti saat nyali sudah terkumpul", dengan mengetahui segala rimba ketakutan itu tumbuh lebat dengan akselerasi berkalikali lipat. yak, dan semakin lama diri memulai, semakin sulit lah diri membuka.

karena tumbuhnya nyali tidak akan bisa menyamai tumbuhnya kerisauan.

kemana saya yang dulu? diri bertanya.

dia pergi. dia berlari. hatinya memilih mati.

saya risau menghadapi masa depan. saya ragu menghadapi saat ini. tapi saya tidak perlu dikembalikan ke masa lalu. saya hanya rindu diri yang dulu.

tanpa menyalahkan, tanpa bisa menyalahkan, tanpa ingin menyalahkan, tanpa ingin dipersalahkan. saya hanya rindu diri yang dulu.

ini doa hari ini: ingin bisa mengembalikan dengan cara melangkah ke depan.

dengan kesadaran penuh, diri yang sekarang bukanlah yang terbaik yang bisa diharapkan. entah berapa banyak mata menatap nanar enggan bahkan untuk mengoreksi. ya, saya harus berhenti dari keberhentian. sebelum semua yang tertumpuk tumpah ruah longsor mengubur.

ya, saya akan bergerak. meski perlahan. ini doa hari ini: semoga semua yang harusnya kembali, akan kembali dengan cara melangkah ke depan.

dan meski yang kembali itu tidaklah seutuhnya persis seperti yang dulu, biarlah ia menjadi sesuatu yang baru.

Wonderwall - Oasis (boyce avenue cover)

by now you should've somehow realize what you gotta do.