dirty little secrets

ini masuk dalam lagu drabble challenge gue.. tapi yah ini bukan drabble challenge..

this song inspired me soooooo much... and i keep on playing this song for more than a month.. and i've just watch the video.. and perhaps i'm just in a super-galau-against-the-world mode: on.. so just let me write something.. okaaay??


my dirty little secrets

1. i'm not some innocent quite little girl, you just haven't known me that well if you think so.. or perhaps i don't want to know you well.. or maybe i just don't want you to know me well
2. i'm not innocent.. i'm violent, i'm radical.. i can think of the most devious way of torturing someone, the most raged out opinion of something and things like that.. but mostly it works for politics only... i don't hate people i know personally, seriously
3. i only get pissed off, not angry.. for me the thought of being 'angry' means you're someone close enough to my heart to makes me get angry.. and being angry hurts myself as well... for the solution: i just get pissed off.. because being angry is like: WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BEING ABLE TO HURT ME HUH? *i'm ranting, sorry*
4. i adore my mom generally, but not specifically... and the fact that i'm turning into that specific side of her makes me hate myself..
5. i'm making this imaginary life of mine, anzu, complicated so i can live my reality live a bit more upbrightly....
6. i think i'm quite a cold person... i'm not cold to my dearest friends and family, but i'm not that warm to now this college friends of mine.. because what i have in mind is: if i'm not asking you what's your problem blablabla it means i don't want you to touch certain side of mine; i'm not asking you because i don't want you to ask mine... but if there is anything you want me to help, just ask me to.. i'm not that dense but i'm also not a psychic... just ask, please..
   
7. i think loving someone in a platonic way is pathetic.. but despite how stressful i am being a platonic.. i'm quite proud of it.. it means i can let go just anytime i should.. the problem is: "how exactly will i know when to keep chasing and when to let go?" not knowing this makes me afraid of falling in love, mempertahankan sesuatu lebih lama dari yang seharusnya itu menakutkan...
8. i think i need someone to slap me in the face and tell me to fix myself, yet i wish i just could do it without someone telling me to.. BUT I STILL AM NOT MOVING
9. i love gotoh, seriously... mereka yang berpikir gotoh hanya another pelarian of Annisa Nadhira dari jatuh cinta rasanya pengen gue tendang... so what if it's dreamy.. so what if i don't know him.. i love what i want to love from him, his writing, his voice, his composition, how he seems to understand the world.. i want him, i need him... i love him.. gue adalah anak yang sangat bersindrom 'your guardian angel', i always want to protect those i love.. dan gue ngerasanya kalo gue ga ngasi apa2 gue ga mau suka lebih lanjut.. that's how jodie darmawan was to me.. tapi gotoh? gue merasa bisa mempercayakan seluruh hidup gue pada dia, for once.. i want to be protected, not protecting...
10. i pick 'the one i love' to 'the one who loves me'.. karena guardian angel syndrome.. dan karena gue takut sama orang yang suka sama gue... dan mungkin juga gue takut sama komitmen.. honestly gue takut sama pernikahan karena i'll definitely make a super pain in the ass bossy and possessive wife... gue takut akan kepercayaan orang sama gue, takut ngecewain.. dan rasanya gue ga bakal bisa sepercaya itu juga sama orang.. jadi i don't really deserve marriage...

yak sekian dulu..

NISA LAGI GALAU!!!!!