long time no see

hello there,
i'm living if anyone wondered. well, not the kind of alive I would be proud of. but i breathe, i eat, i sleep, i function, i get through medschool, and i'm functioning. so, living, basically.

lots of things happen since the last post. when was that again? february?
i haven't been writing for a very long time, therefore i'll just write nothingness here... haha.
so after those last posts series, i've been through the ob-gyn module... in which i finally found enjoyment in academic things, and i miraculously ace the final exam.
later, internal medicine module, with the whole issue of national competency exam had to be done early (which caused a total ruckus, obviously), which i passed. probably just barely. but my dislikes for the people(?) and the atmosphere(?) prevent me from truly learning and enjoying the subjects.
i realize just now, it was selfish of me. but seriously, i think the whole system drained my willingness.
community medicine module. happy happy joy joy with an episode of adrenaline rush from the comprehensive exam. Now though, looking back, my pembimbing akademik was one huge factor to it.
then the elective module! chose ALS module, because anesthesiology is a really charming study haha.
then come masa-pengangguran-penuh-tekanan with the upcoming national exam.
getting passed the exam!

in between though, as you can see i got hooked with Sherlock, the Doctor, (and lots of JE fandoms, and 48 group too surprisingly).

and now, masa-pengangguran

i suppose i can study freely now without the pressure.

and do things i couldn't do previously. things fandom or just for fun stuff. money is still a huge hindrance though.

haven't been writing for a looooooong time.

so i can't exactly form something systematic here.

i used to write to reflects on events and thought. and then i quit. it was probably due to lack of time at first, but i know deep down it's just because i was in sort of denial. something like, i know i'm doing things wrong, and i got nothing to blame, and not that i'm supposed to put the blame on anything, but if i acknowledge it i might just get another source of depression, and it wasn't exactly the right time for that.

but seriously, no time is the right time for depression.

so somehow along the way i just get numb.

why back now?

i'm writing, as you can see... this post will get riddiculously long, i assure you.

i'm bored. i need to keep my brain stimulated. no, slash that, i need to start stimulate my brain.

therefore, i write.

i quit being in organization, so i kind of lose my idealist sense. well, i go to a point of being ignorant, and pretty much lazy as fuck. questioning things i didn't question before such as "why am i doing this again?", only get hyped when money is on view, being an over-deadliner, all sorts of that. i was acutely aware of myself being a big jerk, and didn't care. and now thinking over it, where the hell has my early school years self gone to?

hhmm let's see what else i flunked this past year...

ah yeah that.

i think i should start whipped myself for that.again, being a big jerk. i am ashamed of myself, yet not doing anything about it. can't say anything much about it, can you?

i'm beginning to think i'm too weird for normal social life. had always been with school friends only, which isn't exactly a large circle to begin with, doesn't really like chitchatting with old colleague, haven't met any new acquaintance for... years? basically got no new-friend-making capability, too judging sometimes-most of the times, things i like isn't what people interested in... and all sorts. and believe me, if i don't meet anyone new, i don't think i'll fall in love. therefore, i probably will keep marriage as a foreign concept.

i'm finding the concept of sharing moments (photos etc etc) on social media dull, and my reaction to people's post absurd... like... i don't want you to know, so i don't post, i don't want to know either, why the hell do i make this account...

socmed has been mainly for bashing, fangirling, and getting news only, more pie on fangirling.

oh god, been writing it since morning and it's now 5 pm. got side tracked very easily me. i need to read something my brain rots. i really should start to do some studying.

what else do i have in mind? might just remember it later and posts some more....

oh... i wanted to rant about 48 group fangirling!

i'm not that generous with thoughts on them to make a proper single post, so i'll just write it here?

it started with JKT, the local one... not one i fond of, but eversince i kinda followed their activity though obviously not closely. last year election got my attention to the huge group, make me respect the girls, though seriously their piece isn't exactly what i enjoy. supporting kasai, then kasai got dissed, then i went 'seriously this is worse than JE -.-'. then UZA happenned, then i saw sayanee, been into NMB since then. still following the local to most of the time criticize. during this masa-pengangguran, went to theater twice.

.... comparing to how i react during watching kanjani or KAT-TUN's concert... you can't exactly say i enjoy this 48 group. i pretty sure i even scared one of the local girls with my serious face when watching, so very judgingly. i'll be honest though, they really got my respect, speaking of the 48 group in general. and akimoto sensei is a great song writer, and a group that big really have the budget to hire a good composer, so there are actually some songs i like. and i'm still pissed/worried when the local group got to perform the song... somehow always anticipating for them to dissappoint me. bad impression the first gen made, i must say. now that i watched the theater performance, there are JKT girls that gained my respect, those who deserve more attention/push/screentime and sort. and the second gen are better performers than the management makes us think.

another fangirling rant.

a heart breaking event just took place a couple of days ago.

JE no longer conducted by Johnny's so stupid things keep coming out. something almost similar to seeing esbeye leading the country. stupid decisions stupid decisions everywhere. wrong pushes, wrong pushes everywhere.

they cut the contract with Koki.

and I can't help worrying what will they do with KAT-TUN's music later. since as i told you, the management has only been stupid.

the rap, the beatbox... which at times will be empty without the rap, and the rockish tune, and the rattle-tattle MC segment, and the bad boy image..... all the things that make KAT-TUN definitely not an average johnny's idol group.

hyphen will continue support both Koki and KAT-TUN. but i wonder what can we do to make sure that butthead so-called-management to not damage KAT-TUN's music. i mean... to help them we will need to make whatever it is they release later got multi platinum sales. but again, if they damage KAT-TUN's music i'm scared they will make more of that......... la la lalala lalalalallaal

can only hope for things not getting worse the best... 

/group hug/