Many days many things much thought much feeling

Long time since the last time i even logged in!
on my 6th month here in Buton. Almost halfway through. Can't say it's perfectly smooth, but i will manage.
It's bumpy here and there, mostly in "human interaction" part. Or just simply in being human.

Lots of thing happen. There were things that i missed going at home. There were moments i wish i could attend, effort i wish i had act upon, consolation i wish i could give or maybe have. I... am not the one with most regret, at least i hope so. but sure i have stuff i could patch up here and there. step by step. Little by little.

Chin up, straighten up, hype up.
Hup hup ha!

all in all, this place wasn't that bad. If you compare with others... perhaps we have less facility, more rural area, less entertainment (?), and all sorts. But really, it's not some place i feel like running away from.

It's nice, not wanting to escape from anything.

People are nice when you don't put too much thought into it. It's just the hospital management is rubbish. It's eye opening, knowing how exactly adults work. There goes my trust for the government, at any level. Ha.

Living independently away from home is new. It's challenging to say the least. My first worry was more about taking care of myself, doing housework and all sort. Have no experience in it, but has no intention in being incompetent. Turns out I can be a fast learner if i have to. It's probably a bit sad to say i'm quite used to being away from my family. Five years of living at home but not exactly living together at least for around three years...living two hours away relying on Jakarta's patience-wearing public transportation.I'm probably also used to not getting what i want, too. So at sometime i stopped wanting for something too badly (oh i remember the cause for this one! It's kayo's case!), or relying on anyone else. To put it simply, i'm a spoiled kid with trust issue (With a commuting skill! And now with basic cooking skill!).

We came as friends. Whatever it is i can call friend from this school, with my trust issue. (Because really, none of you share my hardship bearing jakarta's unexpected traffic, and in the end none of you really cared, didn't you?). But somewhere in the middle we drifted apart. it's quite pathetic to be honest. None of us genuinely trying to fix the relationship... it doesn't feel genuine at least to me. Always like "what now? What's next?" Bracing myself for underlying venom, bracing myself for disappointment. But it's me with my trust issue, so let's just leave it at that.

We drifted apart. Everybody's changing, Tom Chaplin sang. Not exactly change of character, scarily it feels more like reveal of nature. It tests your ability to adapt, to blend.. no, to tolerate would be more accurate...
In the end we still drifted apart. Period. I failed to tolerate, and i failed to negotiate with myself trying to reason people's behavior or action.

It goes with the line "whatever the hell is wrong with you?"

See, i don't tolerate.

I need to practise on it, about lashing out, putting out the right words and choosing the right temper to manner it. But seriously, i haven't been this vicious verbally, even with ibuk-ibuk tenabang and mbak-mbak sudirman (well, i was vicious with a stabbing pen though) for quite some time...

I need to change that part of me, at least i know that. I need to not thinking things that doesn't need my concern.

At least i'm wishing to change myself, still. It's a start. Let's see if i can manage it.

Some revelation:
The thing is, any kind of relationship, even the mutual one, isn't always as mutual as it seems. You might love not as equally deep and still be with each other, one might sacrifice more than the other for the sake of the pair. Same goes with friendship... there are levels of it, and between two people, it wasn't always on the same level. Realising that shouldn't make you stop hanging out with each other, let alone make you enemies. You should just value what you have, it might deepen over time or it might not.

When you can't get what you want or have what you expected, it's not always the world's fault, and you can't always blame others. The world isn't a wish granting factory, quoted from John Green. And more importantly, the world doesn't revolve around you.
So you don't get the consolation you want? Have it cooked and swallow it, then move on with a fuller tummy and a wiser mind.

Because really, the world doesn't work your way.

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