cuma sedikit mengingatkan...

Saya sudah menulis dengan kata-kata yang lebih vulgar di tempat lain, semoga di sini bisa lebih santun.

Bismillah.

buat saudara-saudaraku,
yang bahkan setelah badai berita prokontra di internet, masih mengerjakan sesuatu, yang sepemahaman saya setelah membaca berita-berita tersebut, adalah antara "abu-abu gelap banget" untuk situasi-situasi dengan pengecualian atau hitam legam.

mungkin mereka kurang update. mungkin mereka kurang baca. mungkin mereka lelah.

kalau ikut merayakan masih ditanya hukumnya sih saya pribadi akan jawab "absurd banget sih lo"

yang saya bahas di sini soal memberikan ucapan selamat.
tindakan yang dilakukan mungkin "cuma" semacam ngepost ucapan di media sosial, atau kasih mesej grup maupun personal di messenger app.

tapi ya...................

kalaupun kurang update, kurang baca, ataupun malu bertanya...
coba bertanya ke diri sendiri dulu: (ya, pertanyaan ini juga saya tanya ke diri saya sendiri terlebih dahulu, dan karenanya saya terpikir menulis postingan ini)

waktu tahun baru hijriyah, bagaimana memperingatinya? posting di socmed sih so pasti.... bagaimana dengan ibadah yang 'spesial' jadi dilebihkan di hari itu? misal tadarus halamannya ekstra? shodaqoh lebih banyak dari biasa? atau muhasabah?
atau setiap hari Jum'at. bagaimana merayakan hari Jum'at? bagaimana kabar sunnah-sunnah hari Jum'at nya?


...............hhhmmmmm................

kalau itu juga cuma sebatas socmed...

...............hhhmmmmm................ you want me to point out the obvious?

logikanya ya... logikanya, kalau yang di tahun baru hijriyah mengucap selamat kamu hitung "merayakan", berarti mengucap selamat ke hari raya agama lain ini...................... *uhukuhuk* *sinyal hilang*


padahal di Qur'an surat Maryam disebutkan,

Astagfirullahal'adziim. Subhanallah.
langit dan bumi saja begitu reaksinya...........

ayo dipikir lagi akhii, ukhtii...
misal kalian masih ragu, ingin menimbang hal positif dan negatifnya, pro dan kontranya sebelum melakukan suatu tindakan...
kan kalian sendiri yang bilang "cuma ucapan" dan "hal sepele".... apa iya, worthed disandingkan dengan marahnya Allah SWT?

kesimpulannya cuma satu:
Tinggalkan!

Baca lagi ya Dek... (and why now is better than later)

So recently I found #qurangems by green bird media on facebook. Green bird media presents some wonders of the Qur'an in flash animated infographic.
It's a beautiful thing, really.
The Qur'an.
And how they try to spread the da'wah.

It's beautiful. MashaAllah.

And it slap me right on the face.

Like... have you ever stumbled upon some new found knowledge that isn't exactly new found? Like finding out the answer for that one question in the murderous oral exam was in one of the book bought-to-reduce-anxiety you have (but only read now)...

A slap on the face. A major violent face palm.

Where have i been, what i've been doing all this time, how much a hermit i have let myself become etc etc.

more slap. More face palm.

You really should teach your children Qur'an, and make the stick to it, since the very beginning.

I'm alive, therefore i am thankful for the slap. Getting introduced to realization while i (hopefully) still have some age to spare... time in hand...

Imagining the regret of realising all these only in the after life puts one in agony, to say the least.

What excuse do we have exactly? People of this time?
Mushaf readily available, you can even have them on your phone. and time is always available if you try to make it so.

I've been on med school. getting through the horror of some numbers of oral exams. which develops (much) more into pitiful face (from me) and disappointed (if not angry) sigh (or huff) by the conslutant, accompanied by the "baca lagi ya dek" or "kamu saya kasih pe er ya dek" order.
(It is rather impossible to master everything in a short period of 3-9 weeks rotation, but in med exams you should at least able to perform the basic skills required) (and the situation described beforehand happens when you can't even meet the standard)

Just that, med school oral exam, is horrifying.

Imagine the judgement day.
What excuse do we have really? To be misguided? The guidance is easily available. One household must at least have one. What's your excuse for not reading it? Not trying to study more of it? And isn't Iqra (to read!) is the first order, the first Ayat Rasulullah SAW received?

A slap on the face. A major violent face palm. Is very much welcomed now.

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Revelation. Ditujukan untuk sesama Muslim.

Itu sudah ada addressing ya di judulnya.
Human, you've been warned.

Mohon maaf lahir batin dulu juga..

Baru sadar... atau baru dapat friendly reminder lebih tepatnya...
1) Nikmat itu ujian.
2) Ujian paling berat itu dalam bentuk nikmat.
Misal: Aib yang ditutupi... (korupsi, nyolong, nipu, curang dsb ga ketauan), hiburan yang bikin lupa diri...

Karena mudah untuk mengingat Allah SWT di kala susah...

Kamu boleh mengejek kalau ada yang bilang yang ada di televisi -atau any modern form of entertainment these days- itu isinya kerjaan konspirasi yahudi, zionis, konspirasi global atau apalah itu...

Tapi coba liat, yang paling kecil deh... Jam tayang primetime itu jam berapa sih? Jam-jam maghrib - isya...? coba, berapa kali shalatnya ga ontime gara-gara tipi?

ini baru soal waktunya, belum ngomongin isi programnya... belum ngomongin medsos, belum 9gag, belum...

jaman SD, guru saya (guru Al-Azhar) pernah cerita... "yang namanya muslim itu, segimanapun juga (bandelnya?), ga ada deh yang mau murtad"

Nah...oknum-oknum yang disebut di atas itu tau, makanya ga jaman lagi deh bikin muslim keluar dari agamanya dengan menghunus pedang...

Kamu pernah tau media internasional berapa persen yang dikuasai yahudi? Kalau belum sadar monggo itu diliat soal konflik palestina beritanya media amerika sama inggris isinya apa...

Kalau mau liat ke belakang, mulai dari tahun 2001, atau kalau di Indonesia liat sekitar jamannya tipi kita isinya amrozy, imam samudra dsb...

Lihat...
Mereka bikin image sebegitu buruknya tentang Islam.
Kamu percaya kalau mereka yang Islamnya kaffah (atau istilahnya apa kalian maunya? yang Islam bingits?) akan dengan otomatis berpikiran untuk membunuh mereka yang kafir? Macam indoktrinasi "Islam garis keras = teroris"...
kamu percaya?

Padahal kata Islam sendiri artinya damai.

Kamu lebih percaya indoktrinasi itu daripada cari kebenaran ke kitab suci sendiri...?

Kalau ada ulama bikin fatwa atau statement apapun, kamu lebih cepat skeptis bawaan sensi dibanding cari ayat atau hadist yang mereka pakai jadi dasar ucapannya? (kalau memang mempertanyakan, atau ingin mengkritisi?)

Padahal....

ayat soal perang yang paling awal saya temukan di Qur'an:

"dan perangilah di jalan Allah orang-orang yang memerangi kamu, tetapi jangan melampaui batas. Sungguh, Allah tidak menyukai orang-orang yang melampaui batas." (QS 2:190)

dan di QS 2:217 tertulis
"Mereka tidak akan berhenti memerangi kamu sampai kamu murtad dari agamamu, jika mereka sanggup"

nah, gimana...

Zionis thingy ini ramenya bukan baru sekarang kok. Bukan cuma karena zionis yahudi menyerang palestina. Bukan. Serius deh.

Saya pribadi tau zionis pertama kali sekitar SMP-SMA. Lihat video dakwahnya Ummi Irena Handono, beliau ex-zionis (atau misionaris ya istilahnya?).

nih, saya tulis begini, dengan harapan kalian yamg ngeroso misuh-misuh, tapi ya ga cuma misuh-misuh doang...
Itu Qur'annya dibuka, dibaca terjemahnya dari juz pertama...
Itu disearch videonya Ummi Irena Handono.

kalau cuma misuh-misuh ya...
Jujur berarti dakwah attempt saya gagal... nanti kalau nemu yang menarik saya share lagi, tenang aja...
Dan yang jelas ya... kalau cuma misuh-misuh...
Artinya itu apa?
sini saya eja buat kamu: mereka b-e-r-h-a-s-i-l

Postnotes:
Saya ga kenal itu imam samudra dan kawan-kawannya... tapi kalau kamu cari sumber yang tepat, dan lihat siapa kepala badan intelijen negara kita jaman itu... the thing about "membuat nama Islam jelek"... it will make sense.

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Minta maap dulu kalo ada yang tersinggung

Quote seru, found today:

Karena kalau pikiran kamu dibuka, kamu tidak akan menjadikan berhala sebagai berhala.

Makanya kalau dapet hidayah disyukuri ya Nis. Jangan luntur. Hobi banget sik naik turun.
Makanya nis cari temen tuh tukang parfum. Biar manfaatnya tersurat ngga banyakan tersirat. Capek hati sendiri kan lo.
Makanya nis...

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So here is the thing

I don't see what you're calling diamond
You don't want to see what i'm calling trashbin, either

Let's just keep our thought to our self, because clearly, we both want to be heard but not listening to each other.

I outgrew your opinion, can you at least see that?

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Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

if you want a real political view respect from you daughter, you shouldn't have said "what the hell is wrong with you?" when for once, I'm having a different opinion.

And it really is unfair, comparing what you remember about Mei 98, with my 7-years-old at that time memories.
"Kamu inget ngga"
Ingesss mikir aja ngga jaman itu.

and by the way how do you know media those days weren't politicized? You didn't exactly have comparison, did you?

Now i will defy whatever you say just to tick you off.

Ps: i'm sorry i outgrew your political view.

*I really shouldn't have  read the hunger games* *or anything about rebellion*

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Many days many things much thought much feeling

Long time since the last time i even logged in!
on my 6th month here in Buton. Almost halfway through. Can't say it's perfectly smooth, but i will manage.
It's bumpy here and there, mostly in "human interaction" part. Or just simply in being human.

Lots of thing happen. There were things that i missed going at home. There were moments i wish i could attend, effort i wish i had act upon, consolation i wish i could give or maybe have. I... am not the one with most regret, at least i hope so. but sure i have stuff i could patch up here and there. step by step. Little by little.

Chin up, straighten up, hype up.
Hup hup ha!

all in all, this place wasn't that bad. If you compare with others... perhaps we have less facility, more rural area, less entertainment (?), and all sorts. But really, it's not some place i feel like running away from.

It's nice, not wanting to escape from anything.

People are nice when you don't put too much thought into it. It's just the hospital management is rubbish. It's eye opening, knowing how exactly adults work. There goes my trust for the government, at any level. Ha.

Living independently away from home is new. It's challenging to say the least. My first worry was more about taking care of myself, doing housework and all sort. Have no experience in it, but has no intention in being incompetent. Turns out I can be a fast learner if i have to. It's probably a bit sad to say i'm quite used to being away from my family. Five years of living at home but not exactly living together at least for around three years...living two hours away relying on Jakarta's patience-wearing public transportation.I'm probably also used to not getting what i want, too. So at sometime i stopped wanting for something too badly (oh i remember the cause for this one! It's kayo's case!), or relying on anyone else. To put it simply, i'm a spoiled kid with trust issue (With a commuting skill! And now with basic cooking skill!).

We came as friends. Whatever it is i can call friend from this school, with my trust issue. (Because really, none of you share my hardship bearing jakarta's unexpected traffic, and in the end none of you really cared, didn't you?). But somewhere in the middle we drifted apart. it's quite pathetic to be honest. None of us genuinely trying to fix the relationship... it doesn't feel genuine at least to me. Always like "what now? What's next?" Bracing myself for underlying venom, bracing myself for disappointment. But it's me with my trust issue, so let's just leave it at that.

We drifted apart. Everybody's changing, Tom Chaplin sang. Not exactly change of character, scarily it feels more like reveal of nature. It tests your ability to adapt, to blend.. no, to tolerate would be more accurate...
In the end we still drifted apart. Period. I failed to tolerate, and i failed to negotiate with myself trying to reason people's behavior or action.

It goes with the line "whatever the hell is wrong with you?"

See, i don't tolerate.

I need to practise on it, about lashing out, putting out the right words and choosing the right temper to manner it. But seriously, i haven't been this vicious verbally, even with ibuk-ibuk tenabang and mbak-mbak sudirman (well, i was vicious with a stabbing pen though) for quite some time...

I need to change that part of me, at least i know that. I need to not thinking things that doesn't need my concern.

At least i'm wishing to change myself, still. It's a start. Let's see if i can manage it.

Some revelation:
The thing is, any kind of relationship, even the mutual one, isn't always as mutual as it seems. You might love not as equally deep and still be with each other, one might sacrifice more than the other for the sake of the pair. Same goes with friendship... there are levels of it, and between two people, it wasn't always on the same level. Realising that shouldn't make you stop hanging out with each other, let alone make you enemies. You should just value what you have, it might deepen over time or it might not.

When you can't get what you want or have what you expected, it's not always the world's fault, and you can't always blame others. The world isn't a wish granting factory, quoted from John Green. And more importantly, the world doesn't revolve around you.
So you don't get the consolation you want? Have it cooked and swallow it, then move on with a fuller tummy and a wiser mind.

Because really, the world doesn't work your way.

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last post from home this year (maybe)

hello. how is it going for you?
i don't exactly have any idea in how to put it nicely.
so i won't put it nicely anyhow. nice is not me. nice got me flirted by the security guards, which annoys me to the core. (like seriously, is being polite such rarity? and i'm not even polite most of the time!)

so i will be going to buton next tuesday!
have only heard the name of the place the day i found out i'll be assigned there. (or we chose, more or less, no palpable conflict, nice place with great scenery.. but definitely: hopefully no conflict election related)

next update will be from buton!

still in packing ruckus. will have loads and loads extra baggage, most definitely. like i haven't even pack the electronic devices, for pete's sake.

aaaaaaaand... the thing to not be put nicely:
fuck. i'm worried.
i'm not the nicest person. i realize most of the time i'm bitching out. (or maybe that's because i spend too much time at home, where most of the time i met my maids, whom honestly i hate.. one because i suspect her for theft, the other for being oh so very slow (like, how could anyone hasn't killed you before!?))
i need to interact with other people more. i behaved better that way. but now, i'm not in the right shape. so i'm worried. ugh.

let's pray for my (thin, long gone, supressed) patience and rationality.
i need to be more sherlock-ish. i need to be more John-ish.
scratch that. i need john.

i need to be confident. not be some pompous bastard, or an arrogant sod. but seriously i think the reason i'm being such a jerk is because of my lack in confindence....



and that aside.
emotional roller coaster.
happy for 4nin kat-tun. not just happy. i think i'm being attacked by all those performance and photoshoot and plain awesomeness.
TOMORROW IS THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY!! #savetheday .... i'm grateful i'm home for the day. hopefully for the torrent to finish download too!
the one and only member of JKT48 i rooted for decided to graduate. it's apparently more heart wrenching than i ever anticipated.
still agonizing for sherlock, and the hobbit. and whatever fandom storm to come.
i miss gotoh, it turns out. listening to his voice kills me inside a bit. nice to know i'm still human-ish.


and sort.


if i keep on being this absurd, i can definitely scratch marriage of my future plan.


oh yeah, more news: i'm starting to put on make up! haha. along with the (hopefully will be formed) good behaviour, i'll be aging my self up to appear as a proper doctor.
just hope it won't attract unwanted attention. (it has, the security guards. urgh.)

ga mau jadi dokter.
uda jadi, gimana dong.
maunya jadi apa.
jadi manajer band.

#savetheday #saveme #doctor_please_come_with_the_tardis

see you in buton.

long time no see

hello there,
i'm living if anyone wondered. well, not the kind of alive I would be proud of. but i breathe, i eat, i sleep, i function, i get through medschool, and i'm functioning. so, living, basically.

lots of things happen since the last post. when was that again? february?
i haven't been writing for a very long time, therefore i'll just write nothingness here... haha.
so after those last posts series, i've been through the ob-gyn module... in which i finally found enjoyment in academic things, and i miraculously ace the final exam.
later, internal medicine module, with the whole issue of national competency exam had to be done early (which caused a total ruckus, obviously), which i passed. probably just barely. but my dislikes for the people(?) and the atmosphere(?) prevent me from truly learning and enjoying the subjects.
i realize just now, it was selfish of me. but seriously, i think the whole system drained my willingness.
community medicine module. happy happy joy joy with an episode of adrenaline rush from the comprehensive exam. Now though, looking back, my pembimbing akademik was one huge factor to it.
then the elective module! chose ALS module, because anesthesiology is a really charming study haha.
then come masa-pengangguran-penuh-tekanan with the upcoming national exam.
getting passed the exam!

in between though, as you can see i got hooked with Sherlock, the Doctor, (and lots of JE fandoms, and 48 group too surprisingly).

and now, masa-pengangguran

i suppose i can study freely now without the pressure.

and do things i couldn't do previously. things fandom or just for fun stuff. money is still a huge hindrance though.

haven't been writing for a looooooong time.

so i can't exactly form something systematic here.

i used to write to reflects on events and thought. and then i quit. it was probably due to lack of time at first, but i know deep down it's just because i was in sort of denial. something like, i know i'm doing things wrong, and i got nothing to blame, and not that i'm supposed to put the blame on anything, but if i acknowledge it i might just get another source of depression, and it wasn't exactly the right time for that.

but seriously, no time is the right time for depression.

so somehow along the way i just get numb.

why back now?

i'm writing, as you can see... this post will get riddiculously long, i assure you.

i'm bored. i need to keep my brain stimulated. no, slash that, i need to start stimulate my brain.

therefore, i write.

i quit being in organization, so i kind of lose my idealist sense. well, i go to a point of being ignorant, and pretty much lazy as fuck. questioning things i didn't question before such as "why am i doing this again?", only get hyped when money is on view, being an over-deadliner, all sorts of that. i was acutely aware of myself being a big jerk, and didn't care. and now thinking over it, where the hell has my early school years self gone to?

hhmm let's see what else i flunked this past year...

ah yeah that.

i think i should start whipped myself for that.again, being a big jerk. i am ashamed of myself, yet not doing anything about it. can't say anything much about it, can you?

i'm beginning to think i'm too weird for normal social life. had always been with school friends only, which isn't exactly a large circle to begin with, doesn't really like chitchatting with old colleague, haven't met any new acquaintance for... years? basically got no new-friend-making capability, too judging sometimes-most of the times, things i like isn't what people interested in... and all sorts. and believe me, if i don't meet anyone new, i don't think i'll fall in love. therefore, i probably will keep marriage as a foreign concept.

i'm finding the concept of sharing moments (photos etc etc) on social media dull, and my reaction to people's post absurd... like... i don't want you to know, so i don't post, i don't want to know either, why the hell do i make this account...

socmed has been mainly for bashing, fangirling, and getting news only, more pie on fangirling.

oh god, been writing it since morning and it's now 5 pm. got side tracked very easily me. i need to read something my brain rots. i really should start to do some studying.

what else do i have in mind? might just remember it later and posts some more....

oh... i wanted to rant about 48 group fangirling!

i'm not that generous with thoughts on them to make a proper single post, so i'll just write it here?

it started with JKT, the local one... not one i fond of, but eversince i kinda followed their activity though obviously not closely. last year election got my attention to the huge group, make me respect the girls, though seriously their piece isn't exactly what i enjoy. supporting kasai, then kasai got dissed, then i went 'seriously this is worse than JE -.-'. then UZA happenned, then i saw sayanee, been into NMB since then. still following the local to most of the time criticize. during this masa-pengangguran, went to theater twice.

.... comparing to how i react during watching kanjani or KAT-TUN's concert... you can't exactly say i enjoy this 48 group. i pretty sure i even scared one of the local girls with my serious face when watching, so very judgingly. i'll be honest though, they really got my respect, speaking of the 48 group in general. and akimoto sensei is a great song writer, and a group that big really have the budget to hire a good composer, so there are actually some songs i like. and i'm still pissed/worried when the local group got to perform the song... somehow always anticipating for them to dissappoint me. bad impression the first gen made, i must say. now that i watched the theater performance, there are JKT girls that gained my respect, those who deserve more attention/push/screentime and sort. and the second gen are better performers than the management makes us think.

another fangirling rant.

a heart breaking event just took place a couple of days ago.

JE no longer conducted by Johnny's so stupid things keep coming out. something almost similar to seeing esbeye leading the country. stupid decisions stupid decisions everywhere. wrong pushes, wrong pushes everywhere.

they cut the contract with Koki.

and I can't help worrying what will they do with KAT-TUN's music later. since as i told you, the management has only been stupid.

the rap, the beatbox... which at times will be empty without the rap, and the rockish tune, and the rattle-tattle MC segment, and the bad boy image..... all the things that make KAT-TUN definitely not an average johnny's idol group.

hyphen will continue support both Koki and KAT-TUN. but i wonder what can we do to make sure that butthead so-called-management to not damage KAT-TUN's music. i mean... to help them we will need to make whatever it is they release later got multi platinum sales. but again, if they damage KAT-TUN's music i'm scared they will make more of that......... la la lalala lalalalallaal

can only hope for things not getting worse the best... 

/group hug/

At that one time of the month

Hello.

I must warn you. I am naturally bad tempered and hot headed.

It's just you meet me now on my worst.

I'm sorry i can not reply cheerfully, therefore properly, to any of your friendliness.

I'll try not to hurt you, or anyone else, more than i already do.

So please, please.
Don't. Provoke. (The savage beast in) Me.

Thank you for your understanding.

At this age

We're still at school. Still studying. Still just a student.
May be that's when finding out that our crush are such married with small child hotties we go "err i'm soo not falling for an old man..."

But then again... aren't we at that age already?
That we have people our age married and giving birth and such.

The "old man" is only slightly older than we are.

it's normal to fall for them.
It's just that they're married with child.

The day

Done!

I might not ace it.
But then it's not in anyway bad.

The prayer answered, i just need to pass. Desperately.

And the result can only be interpreted as:
nope, not your type of career. Ha!

And mostly..
Alhamdulillah...

D-2

...

To put it mildly, i'm stressed.
Highly irritable me is even more irritable.

I don't know anymore.

Please send me a raggedy doctor with blue box.

...

See if i survive on 20130102 12:00 AM

It's raining and i will just open my umbrella.

It has been dark, i thought.
But then things can actually be much worse.

It's been surprising this couple of days.

While i'm here with my ownself as my war, i see some example whose battle would probably impossible for me to fight.

Therefore, i will admit where i lack. And get ready to make it up.
This is my fight and i shall not lose.
This is my combat, one that i will calmly face.

And to reach the calmness, i shall prepare.

postnotes:
My condolescense to one of my highschool bestfriend, whose war i may not survive in. Sorry i'm not much of a help despite your trust.

End of module stress

Got a lot to catch up with.
Dear brain please cope.
Dear body please bear.
Dear bed, please don't get overly attached.

Fight!

I may not be astonishing but i will acceptably survive.

And doctor, bow ties are cool.

Edit:
do'a untuk sebulan kedepan...
Berikanlah hamba tubuh yang kuat dibawa begadang
Ketekunan untuk berkutat dengan buku tanpa teralih
Pikiran yang jernih dan highly absorbant
Aaaamiiiin ya tuhan...

Memulai kembali

Tadinya ingin pakai bahasa Inggris.
Restart.
Tapi agaknya yang akan saya lakukan tidak semuluk me-restart.
Saya tidak bisa memulai dari awal lagi. I don't think i have the chance to start fresh, anew. Not now, at least.
Tapi setidaknya...
Saya akan mengais, memungut, dan menyusun ulang apa-apa yang sudah saya tinggalkan... termasuk semangat saya yang sudah berceceran.

Memulai kembali.

Untuk sekarang, apa yang ada saat ini terlalu besar untuk dilepas, seberapapun beratnya hati merasa "ini yang menahan saya dari apa yang saya inginkan".

Tapi ya, saya akan memulai kembali. Dengan serpihan hati yang masih ada, dan mungkin mencari yang baru nanti, melanjutkan kembali perjalanan ini.

Mungkin, suatu hari, saat sudah tiba tujuan, saya akan bisa berkata...

Hati ini mungkin memang sebegitu rapuhnya menghadapi kegagalan.
and committment clearly isn't my forte.
tapi saya bisa terus berjalan, meski perlahan, meski terpincang.
Terima kasih karena tidak menyerah.

a daily fangirl whine

I was lucky enough to get chosen to be an extra for Strawberry Night's movie filming..

akdfjahjdfhasdjf i can only imagine how fancy it is to be a JE fan in Japan~

and back on to questioning what to do in life...

this life i'm currently living, this lifestyle, this kind of laid back "tilikan derajat 5" self of mine...
i know for sure won't get me survive the real world

one year
i got only one more year to hide under the status of being a student

after that "poffft~"

i'm on my own
i have to be on my own

i'm cursed when i'm not. i'm doomed when i'm not.

to be the ever tolerable AND tolerating grown up.
to be a pleasant person. or at least act like one.
to work hard. for my own sake. to actually fall straight to the bottom of society (yes it's society. about your class in society. not about being sociable) ladders when i don't (and economic ladders as well).

to be pretentious. to actually question "what was idealism, again? what is it this whole idealistic mind set the people in the college try to plant into our brain these whole past years?".
then to let the answer swallowed by the real world.

these facilities i'm having right now prolly alright to have as med student.
but it's certainly overbudget for a general practicioner.

then the money from the work will go to educational savings, or simply vanish due to this overbudget for a GP lifestyle of mine....

when will i be able to go to Japan, then?
why can't i make living by being a fangirl T_T

why does this major i take is one so hard to get scholarship abroad? other than for research... nooooo i'm more interested in fellowship than in research.

and yet i haven't think about what major to pursue~
how could i when i'm still in this love/hate relationship with this science (or myself)... *sigh*


come to Indonesia dear Ohkura Tadayoshi~ (yes, i'm calling ohkura, not gotoh)


i need to learn how to drive
how to cook
finish this stuff for the undergrad graduation
write bits for the group scrapbook
buy some share for the so called educational investment

but before.... i'm going to Thai (yay!) for which i haven't actually search itinerary of. yes, shoot me. will go on wed, though. let's move this lazybum of mine.

identity crisis: solved

so let's just say i'm having an identity crisis

or to justified myself, trying to see whether i'm having a change in personality or not..

so let's see... from just the wand
from this heroic auror fella (the aspen) to an emo (hazel)
from a unicorn hair core, to a dragon core. ehem.

me and my ambivalency.
or i just simply change.

so at first i'm a gryffindor.

now on to the sorting.

still a gryffindor!


woooohooooo!!!

meluruskan otak. meluruskan hati.

jadi saya sedang gundah gulana.
dikala biasanya orang (atau saya lebih tepatnya) curhat biar bisa meluruskan "sebenernya masalah saya apa sih" atau bahkan sudah sampai tahap "oke jadi apa yang mesti gue lakuin..."
saya sudah entah dari kapan tau "oke gue mesti begini..." tapi ngga dilakuin juga... semangat naik turun... dan mungkin sampai pada titik tertentu berpikir "yaudahlah yaa" tapi dengan batin yang gelisah (iya, seriusan, gelisah, kaya orang gangguan cemas). ga ngelakuin apa-apa, tapi pas lagi ga ngapa-ngapain itu ya hati ga tenang tidak nyaman tidak damai. tilikan derajat 5 lah pokoknya.

setiap bilang "okay starting today i will..." ujungnya hanya janji kosong... lalalalala...
saya semakin ahli procrastinating. atau semakin ahli ngeles juga mungkin. why oh why.
semacam anak yang banyak maunya. mau doang. usaha kaga.
gundah gulana lah pokoknya.

dengan segala idealisme dulu bahwa "getting stuck in a certain level and not climbing up is what i fear the most"
and yet now that's exactly what's happening... with me knowing that i have to do something to stop myself from deteriorating, again at some point knowing what to do, but never actually do it.

"it's your own fault, nis" ya ya i know *rolls eye*

entah sudah berapa modul... sampai-sampai benar-benar berpikir "i don't belong here... i don't think this is what i want to do for life"

now that i think about it, itu cuma pelarian kayanya... i'm a quitter, i know that. meski pernah mencoba dan mencapai titik-titik di mana saya me-tekadkan diri menjadi seseorang yang berkomitmen.... saya tau saya akan punya tendensi untuk lari, untuk kabur, di saat saya tau saya akan gagal.
an "i have nothing to lose" attitude, is something i need.

saya yakin saya pernah berada dalam periode di mana saya bisa melihat kegagalan sebagai "yah, namanya juga belajar... kalau ga sakit ya ga belajar... berarti next time begini begini begini... next time saya harus perhatiin ini ini ini..."
tapi ya itu... dasar saya bocah "knowing what to do but not doing it",so it's no surprise failing on something supposedly anticipated.
dan teteup dong kecewa. dan tentunya dengan menyadari begini, kecewanya paling besar sama diri sendiri. blaming circumstances is always easier to do. serius deh, dibandingkan memandangi diri sendiri dengan hina. which, now that i realize, is my hugest source of self esteem.
dan jadilah saya seorang pengecut. yang lebih memilih lari saat merasa akan gagal. yang lebih memilih diam dan tidak  mencoba karena takut gagal.

yang berdalih tidak bisa percaya orang, karena takut dikecewakan.
i just don't trust myself. now, that's the truth.
if i don't trust myself enough, don't even appreciate myself enough, how would i do so to other people?

semua dari "tau mesti ngapain, tapi ujungnya ga dikerjain"

i don't know what i want to do in life. saya pengen ke jepang. itu yang pasti.
dan pilihan jurusan saya membuat keinginan itu agaknya jadi (sangat) sulit untuk dicapai dengan kelakuan tilikan derajat 5 saya.
sampai akhirnya saya berpikir "i hate this, why am i even doing this, i'm not suitable for this, i'm not interested in this"

ngga kok nis. you know you'll be in a good mood and good spirit once you accomplish something.

gee i even realise why it's so hard for me to actually produce some good writing.... because i don't want to think, i don't want to contemplate, i don't want to observe. saya cuma mau lari.

now as lowly as it is, - cause i know i'm deteriorating so i no longer should compare my now self to my old self, it's crushing down my already low self esteem - gue membandingkan diri gue dengan orang-orang yang pernah gue kenal mungkin sekitar jaman SD jaman SMP (dan sekarang sejujurnya gue ga tau how their life is, just getting slight impression). some of them seemingly live better life than mine, some live life i'm not interested to live in, some live life i cannot imagine as to how could they feel content being so....

but then i realize... ah ya, that feeling of achieving, of accomplishing, yang jadi sumber self esteem saya lah yang bikin saya stres berat begitu itu tidak tercapai... (sekali lagi karena tilikan derajat 5)

they could feel content being so. okay, you want people to be more ambitious, just because deep down you actually are. tapi ya ayo ditanya "why aren't you feeling a little bit content with what you have?"

because even when you know you still have so much to do, so much to chase, so much dream you want to make real... it's never wrong to be thankful of what you have now.


semua ada jalannya nis.
semua punya jalannya sendiri.

do'a hari ini: semoga bisa jadi tilikan derajat 6.

Reciprocation

there you are, with that longing look.

you do realize fully of your unrequited love. wait, not unrequited. more like forbidden?

you would definitely laugh at the word forbidden.

and laugh at me for saying it.

"it's not that i've done something adultery! platonic! platonic it is!" you would brush it off.

but still, there you are. right next to me. with that longing look towards him.

a look i'll never get from you, i suppose.

* * *

you cannot lose something you never have, they said

and yet here i am mourning

you'll have all those judgement of me and my fall-for-the-unavailable tendency in your head

and i know you probably secretly laughing at me

"oh how i am in misery" the phrase, with mockery, should do

and just probably too, you are secretly pitying me

or even better, pitying yourself for my stupidity (and maybe your stupidity too?)

and yet you are here, next to me, squeezing my hand, supporting me for the lost of something i never have.

* * *

so there they are, in a dim light of a livehouse. drowned within the crowd and the noise.

with all the paradoxes possible to happen at once. hand in hand. fingers entangled.

longing,

sadly not for each other.

-------

finally a writing?

inspired by Asian Kung-fu Generation's Kakato de Ai wo Uchinarase live performance...

it's amazing no matter how much i've been K8ed, AKG is forever my muse