Minta maap dulu kalo ada yang tersinggung

Quote seru, found today:

Karena kalau pikiran kamu dibuka, kamu tidak akan menjadikan berhala sebagai berhala.

Makanya kalau dapet hidayah disyukuri ya Nis. Jangan luntur. Hobi banget sik naik turun.
Makanya nis cari temen tuh tukang parfum. Biar manfaatnya tersurat ngga banyakan tersirat. Capek hati sendiri kan lo.
Makanya nis...

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Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

if you want a real political view respect from you daughter, you shouldn't have said "what the hell is wrong with you?" when for once, I'm having a different opinion.

And it really is unfair, comparing what you remember about Mei 98, with my 7-years-old at that time memories.
"Kamu inget ngga"
Ingesss mikir aja ngga jaman itu.

and by the way how do you know media those days weren't politicized? You didn't exactly have comparison, did you?

Now i will defy whatever you say just to tick you off.

Ps: i'm sorry i outgrew your political view.

*I really shouldn't have  read the hunger games* *or anything about rebellion*

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Many days many things much thought much feeling

Long time since the last time i even logged in!
on my 6th month here in Buton. Almost halfway through. Can't say it's perfectly smooth, but i will manage.
It's bumpy here and there, mostly in "human interaction" part. Or just simply in being human.

Lots of thing happen. There were things that i missed going at home. There were moments i wish i could attend, effort i wish i had act upon, consolation i wish i could give or maybe have. I... am not the one with most regret, at least i hope so. but sure i have stuff i could patch up here and there. step by step. Little by little.

Chin up, straighten up, hype up.
Hup hup ha!

all in all, this place wasn't that bad. If you compare with others... perhaps we have less facility, more rural area, less entertainment (?), and all sorts. But really, it's not some place i feel like running away from.

It's nice, not wanting to escape from anything.

People are nice when you don't put too much thought into it. It's just the hospital management is rubbish. It's eye opening, knowing how exactly adults work. There goes my trust for the government, at any level. Ha.

Living independently away from home is new. It's challenging to say the least. My first worry was more about taking care of myself, doing housework and all sort. Have no experience in it, but has no intention in being incompetent. Turns out I can be a fast learner if i have to. It's probably a bit sad to say i'm quite used to being away from my family. Five years of living at home but not exactly living together at least for around three years...living two hours away relying on Jakarta's patience-wearing public transportation.I'm probably also used to not getting what i want, too. So at sometime i stopped wanting for something too badly (oh i remember the cause for this one! It's kayo's case!), or relying on anyone else. To put it simply, i'm a spoiled kid with trust issue (With a commuting skill! And now with basic cooking skill!).

We came as friends. Whatever it is i can call friend from this school, with my trust issue. (Because really, none of you share my hardship bearing jakarta's unexpected traffic, and in the end none of you really cared, didn't you?). But somewhere in the middle we drifted apart. it's quite pathetic to be honest. None of us genuinely trying to fix the relationship... it doesn't feel genuine at least to me. Always like "what now? What's next?" Bracing myself for underlying venom, bracing myself for disappointment. But it's me with my trust issue, so let's just leave it at that.

We drifted apart. Everybody's changing, Tom Chaplin sang. Not exactly change of character, scarily it feels more like reveal of nature. It tests your ability to adapt, to blend.. no, to tolerate would be more accurate...
In the end we still drifted apart. Period. I failed to tolerate, and i failed to negotiate with myself trying to reason people's behavior or action.

It goes with the line "whatever the hell is wrong with you?"

See, i don't tolerate.

I need to practise on it, about lashing out, putting out the right words and choosing the right temper to manner it. But seriously, i haven't been this vicious verbally, even with ibuk-ibuk tenabang and mbak-mbak sudirman (well, i was vicious with a stabbing pen though) for quite some time...

I need to change that part of me, at least i know that. I need to not thinking things that doesn't need my concern.

At least i'm wishing to change myself, still. It's a start. Let's see if i can manage it.

Some revelation:
The thing is, any kind of relationship, even the mutual one, isn't always as mutual as it seems. You might love not as equally deep and still be with each other, one might sacrifice more than the other for the sake of the pair. Same goes with friendship... there are levels of it, and between two people, it wasn't always on the same level. Realising that shouldn't make you stop hanging out with each other, let alone make you enemies. You should just value what you have, it might deepen over time or it might not.

When you can't get what you want or have what you expected, it's not always the world's fault, and you can't always blame others. The world isn't a wish granting factory, quoted from John Green. And more importantly, the world doesn't revolve around you.
So you don't get the consolation you want? Have it cooked and swallow it, then move on with a fuller tummy and a wiser mind.

Because really, the world doesn't work your way.

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D-2

...

To put it mildly, i'm stressed.
Highly irritable me is even more irritable.

I don't know anymore.

Please send me a raggedy doctor with blue box.

...

See if i survive on 20130102 12:00 AM

End of module stress

Got a lot to catch up with.
Dear brain please cope.
Dear body please bear.
Dear bed, please don't get overly attached.

Fight!

I may not be astonishing but i will acceptably survive.

And doctor, bow ties are cool.

Edit:
do'a untuk sebulan kedepan...
Berikanlah hamba tubuh yang kuat dibawa begadang
Ketekunan untuk berkutat dengan buku tanpa teralih
Pikiran yang jernih dan highly absorbant
Aaaamiiiin ya tuhan...

Memulai kembali

Tadinya ingin pakai bahasa Inggris.
Restart.
Tapi agaknya yang akan saya lakukan tidak semuluk me-restart.
Saya tidak bisa memulai dari awal lagi. I don't think i have the chance to start fresh, anew. Not now, at least.
Tapi setidaknya...
Saya akan mengais, memungut, dan menyusun ulang apa-apa yang sudah saya tinggalkan... termasuk semangat saya yang sudah berceceran.

Memulai kembali.

Untuk sekarang, apa yang ada saat ini terlalu besar untuk dilepas, seberapapun beratnya hati merasa "ini yang menahan saya dari apa yang saya inginkan".

Tapi ya, saya akan memulai kembali. Dengan serpihan hati yang masih ada, dan mungkin mencari yang baru nanti, melanjutkan kembali perjalanan ini.

Mungkin, suatu hari, saat sudah tiba tujuan, saya akan bisa berkata...

Hati ini mungkin memang sebegitu rapuhnya menghadapi kegagalan.
and committment clearly isn't my forte.
tapi saya bisa terus berjalan, meski perlahan, meski terpincang.
Terima kasih karena tidak menyerah.

a daily fangirl whine

I was lucky enough to get chosen to be an extra for Strawberry Night's movie filming..

akdfjahjdfhasdjf i can only imagine how fancy it is to be a JE fan in Japan~

and back on to questioning what to do in life...

this life i'm currently living, this lifestyle, this kind of laid back "tilikan derajat 5" self of mine...
i know for sure won't get me survive the real world

one year
i got only one more year to hide under the status of being a student

after that "poffft~"

i'm on my own
i have to be on my own

i'm cursed when i'm not. i'm doomed when i'm not.

to be the ever tolerable AND tolerating grown up.
to be a pleasant person. or at least act like one.
to work hard. for my own sake. to actually fall straight to the bottom of society (yes it's society. about your class in society. not about being sociable) ladders when i don't (and economic ladders as well).

to be pretentious. to actually question "what was idealism, again? what is it this whole idealistic mind set the people in the college try to plant into our brain these whole past years?".
then to let the answer swallowed by the real world.

these facilities i'm having right now prolly alright to have as med student.
but it's certainly overbudget for a general practicioner.

then the money from the work will go to educational savings, or simply vanish due to this overbudget for a GP lifestyle of mine....

when will i be able to go to Japan, then?
why can't i make living by being a fangirl T_T

why does this major i take is one so hard to get scholarship abroad? other than for research... nooooo i'm more interested in fellowship than in research.

and yet i haven't think about what major to pursue~
how could i when i'm still in this love/hate relationship with this science (or myself)... *sigh*


come to Indonesia dear Ohkura Tadayoshi~ (yes, i'm calling ohkura, not gotoh)


i need to learn how to drive
how to cook
finish this stuff for the undergrad graduation
write bits for the group scrapbook
buy some share for the so called educational investment

but before.... i'm going to Thai (yay!) for which i haven't actually search itinerary of. yes, shoot me. will go on wed, though. let's move this lazybum of mine.

identity crisis: solved

so let's just say i'm having an identity crisis

or to justified myself, trying to see whether i'm having a change in personality or not..

so let's see... from just the wand
from this heroic auror fella (the aspen) to an emo (hazel)
from a unicorn hair core, to a dragon core. ehem.

me and my ambivalency.
or i just simply change.

so at first i'm a gryffindor.

now on to the sorting.

still a gryffindor!


woooohooooo!!!

karena saya sudah terlalu lama mengabaikan

ya, sikap masa bodoh itu mungkin hanya kedok.

mungkin hanya pelarian.

sikap masa bodoh itu sekedar upaya untuk menunda, atau bila diperbolehkan, untuk tidak perlu memikirkan sama sekali mengenai masalah.

ada masalah yang memang tidak perlu dipikirkan. tapi semua tau masalah seharusnya diselesaikan. sikap masa bodoh itu pelarian. karena kecilnya diri menghadapi tembok. karena enggannya diri melangkah keluar dari gerbang kenyamanan.

pikiran saya terlalu lama bersantai-santai. antara menggampangkan segala hal, atau justru mengaggap semuanya terlalu sulit untuk dihadapi. masalah nyali ini sudah terlalu lama terbengkalai. hingga pada suatu saat diri berusaha memulai, ia sadar kalau sudah nyaris tidak punya hati.

lebih mudah menganggap diri tidak punya hati sama sekali, dibanding menghadapi rasa sakit. ya, mungkin ada cara lain untuk akhirnya berbesar hati. ya, mungkin seharusnya kita berusaha memahami. tapi ya sekali lagi, pikiran saya kurang lebih sudah kaku, sudah terlalu lama tidak berputar membantu hati bertemu dan mensortir rasa ngilu.

kalau tidak sakit ya tidak belajar.

itu benar.

saya tidak mau sakit. makanya saya bersikap masa bodoh. akhirnya saya tidak berpikir. dan tentunya saya jadinya tidak belajar.

memulai kembali setelah sekian lama berhenti juga bukan perkara mudah. pasti bukan perkara mudah.

semakin lama menunda semakin besar dan tebal tembok ketertinggalan itu kokoh berdiri. dalam hati menunggu berujar "mungkin nanti saat nyali sudah terkumpul", dengan mengetahui segala rimba ketakutan itu tumbuh lebat dengan akselerasi berkalikali lipat. yak, dan semakin lama diri memulai, semakin sulit lah diri membuka.

karena tumbuhnya nyali tidak akan bisa menyamai tumbuhnya kerisauan.

kemana saya yang dulu? diri bertanya.

dia pergi. dia berlari. hatinya memilih mati.

saya risau menghadapi masa depan. saya ragu menghadapi saat ini. tapi saya tidak perlu dikembalikan ke masa lalu. saya hanya rindu diri yang dulu.

tanpa menyalahkan, tanpa bisa menyalahkan, tanpa ingin menyalahkan, tanpa ingin dipersalahkan. saya hanya rindu diri yang dulu.

ini doa hari ini: ingin bisa mengembalikan dengan cara melangkah ke depan.

dengan kesadaran penuh, diri yang sekarang bukanlah yang terbaik yang bisa diharapkan. entah berapa banyak mata menatap nanar enggan bahkan untuk mengoreksi. ya, saya harus berhenti dari keberhentian. sebelum semua yang tertumpuk tumpah ruah longsor mengubur.

ya, saya akan bergerak. meski perlahan. ini doa hari ini: semoga semua yang harusnya kembali, akan kembali dengan cara melangkah ke depan.

dan meski yang kembali itu tidaklah seutuhnya persis seperti yang dulu, biarlah ia menjadi sesuatu yang baru.

Wonderwall - Oasis (boyce avenue cover)

by now you should've somehow realize what you gotta do.

my mind is a wreck

jadi entah berapa lama dari terakhir kali gue menulis menghasilkan sesuatu yang berkualitas (berbicara seolah pernah)

haven't write for so long indeed

mari mencoba menyalahkan lingkungan dan kesibukan yang membuat kreativitas mati

"kebanyakan bikin tugas itu bikin kita ga bisa mikir kreatif" otak berdalih

itu dusta, itu alasan saja

tulisan itu katanya buah pikiran

gue ga bisa nulis karena emang lagi ga bisa mikir

entah sejak kapan

so my mind is a wreck

a chip fell down somewhere sometime ago

dan bisa disimpulkan saya tidak berfungsi seperti mana seharusnya

i used to write to vent a lot

vent needs an opened-up self

mungkin pikiran saya berhenti bekerja karena saya berhenti membuka hati

rasanya saya sudah berkali-kali menyatakan saya seorang pengecut

saya tidak berani membuka hati karena takut kecewa

ogah-ogahan berusaha karena takut sakit hati ketika hasil tidak sesuai harapan

saya malas bercerita, atau pada dasarnya takut, dan akhirnya tidak merasa perlu membuka diri karena upaya membuka diri yang tidak di-welcome oleh audiens itu rasanya seperti dibuang

yep pada dasarnya saya penakut

may be i tried opened up somewhere, yang sayangnya pada orang yang salah, dan jadinya gitu lah ya... rasa-rasa malas buka diri lagi.

saya pengecut

mungkin akan ada yang bisa mendengarkan... tapi ya saya terlalu takut untuk mulai membuka diri lagi... anggaplah si pengecut ini tenggelam dalam prasangkanya sendiri

nope i can't be saved

cuma bisa menyelamatkan diri sendiri rasanya

bahkan tanpa mimpi besar harusnya saya bisa menikmati apa yang saya lakukan sekarang, if i could love myself just a bit more

yes i have this HUGE tendency to fall into depression

mildly depressive already perhaps

"nis lo hidup mau ngapain sih?"

the self-questioning is honestly suffocating

mau ini mau itu yang dulu ada... entah kenapa sekarang cuma sekadar berpikir "mau" pun rasanya kok ya diri ini tak layak...

i want a my pace kind of life. a my pace peaceful kind of life.

atau tidak begitu pun tidak apa-apa. saya tidak keberatan dikejar tanggung jawab dikejar pekerjaan, asal apa yang dilakukan ada manfaatnya. dengan benar-benar ditunjukkan kepada saya bahwa memang apa yang saya sudah berikan ada manfaatnya untuk orang lain.

mohon maaf karena menuntut. this inner child of mind need that kind of care to heal.

see my mind is a wreck indeed.

do'a hari ini: semoga besok bisa produktif. bisa lebih berani. bisa pulang cepet.

#ganyambungiknow

terima kasih atas sesi psikoterapi suportif dari taufik akbar hari ini. semoga saya cukup berani untuk mengaplikasikannya besok. amin.

agenda

saya yang punya tendensi ngajak ribut ini, tadi pagi ribut sama salah seorang kolega lewat sms (berhubung ruang kelasnya beda)

tidak. saya bukan orang yang segitu tidak menganggap penting teman. tapi sekali lagi, itu ya itu, ini ya ini. serius waktu harus serius itu perlu.



jadi singkatnya, setelah tadi kena sentilan 'saya sakit hati loh' hasil ribut-ribut tadi...

saya mau ngedumel di sini... (karena takut orangnya nangis darah, masalah jadi runyam dan kerjaan yang merupakan asal muasal ribut-ributnya malah tidak selesai, dan agak malas karena nanti pasti akan dibalas dengan alasan-alasan dengan bahasa berbunga-bunga)



buat tante yang di sana



bukannya kalo sesuatu ga diprioritaskan gak akan pernah jadi prioritas?

maaf, saya gak sekeren situ yang bisa jadi petinggi megang amanat dan sebagainya dan seterusnya, jadi saya juga gak ngerti urutan prioritasnya situ gimana... tapi, bukannya kita sama-sama pelajar ya? bukannya harusnya prioritas tertinggi kita sama?

naaah... kalo uda menjadikan sesuatu prioritas bukannya uda ga boleh menyamenye lagi? kerjain ya kerjain, ngga ya ngga... kalo ditunda ya berarti bukan prioritas, toh?



Rasanya dulu waktu pertama kali masuk organisasi kita pernah sama-sama dengar omongan 'orang itu makin sibuk makin pinter menejemen waktu...'

sekarang saya mau komplen, "muaaanaaaa buktinyaaaaa?"

nggak, ternyata... bukan makin sibuknya yang bikin jago ngatur waktu... tapi gimana sibuk itu bikin diri sendiri jadi semangat untuk menata hidup, itu yang bikin menejemen waktunya jalan.

yang mau teratur ya teratur, yang keteteran ya keteteran aja terus. mau uda berapa taun sibuk kek, mau seberapa sibuknya kek.

nah mbak yu, semangatnya ada ga?



mbak yu punya agenda? mbak yu punya smartphone?

isinya apa? akademis dimasukin ga mbak yu? ada reminder buat ngerjain tugas ga mbak yu?

gak ya? cuma yang penting-penting aja ya yang bisa masuk agenda mbak yu? semacam janji ketemu petinggi ini, janji menghadiri pertemuan itu...





kalo hidup sudah hectic... apalagi buat saya yang suka tiba-tiba serangan panik dan akhirnya lupa mana yang mesti dikerjakan dulu, bukan ga manusiawi ngandelin agenda... yah setidaknya sampe hidup sudah diberesin satu-satu sampe ga hectic lagi... jadi bisa ngandelin kepala sendiri lagi abis ini ngapain terus selanjutnya ngapain terus hari ini harus selesai ngapain dst deadline-deadline lainnya...





kalo mbak yu yang petinggi ini, gimana ceritanya?

i sorta realize that i was somekind of a vengeful psycho back then in elementary

probably still am.

okay that's scary. never have the guts to actually execute the revenge, but still, scary.

i think i pulled a prank to my friend without actually having any specific reason. the kind of prank that really wasn't funny. and i didn't even feel happy doing it, as far as i remembered.

and i often got angry for silly reasons. now too.

but having a fight because of a phone charm was totally -________________-;;;;;



and I'm really never good at making up



probably I done those psyche pranks sorta because i was jealous, something like "ah i want that too why can't i have that why she has that instead of me"

but seeing things now... i think i love what i have already...

there are still things i want to achieve. and there are people i know who i got jealous of for having things that i want to have.

but no, i don't think i will trade anything in my life for what they have. I'm happy having the realization of being wrong, knowing i've done wrong, when i do wrong. I have the motivation to change things and fix my mistakes, i'll just need to put extra effort on continuosly held up myself from re-doing the mistakes.

no, really... no matter what you have make me jealous... i love being me and i don't wanna be you. if i want to have those things, i'll just go have it my way.

nge-du-mel

esbeye itu sapi. (no particular reason. ini semacam kata-kata wajib)

dorong-dorongan keluar kereta malah bikin makin trombus.

pengendara motor itu minta dinyolotin banget kalo (gue) lagi nyebrang zebra cross pas lampu merah (jing merah jing lo mau ngapain deh sok-sok ngegas).

mobil yang baru nglakson setelah lo nyeberang ngelewatin paruh jalannya dia supirnya either tadi matanya kenapa-kenapa rada meleng jadi kaget tiba-tiba lo ada, atau nyolot-nyolot bego disangkanya lo masih makan bagian jalannya dia (padahal lo berdiri sejajar garis pembatas jalan.

jangan dorong anak dengan tas lebih besar dari badannya sendiri, kalo dia kesel dikit dia memutuskan untuk mundur, power (tas)nya akan membuat lo mental lebih jauh dari yang dia inginkan. percayalah.

sekalipun krl ac atau ekspres isinya banyaknya eksekutif (atau semacamnya) yang (harusnya, katanya sih) lebih berpendidikan dan beretika, kalo masalah dorong mendorong waktu turun, penumpang ekonomi jauh lebih tau diri. (as in: semua juga mau keluar kali ngedorong kalo di depannya ga ada space jalan ga bakal membuat lo mencapai suatu tempat lebih cepat tengs)

terus yaaaa nisaaaaaaa ayo yang sabaaaaar lo pasti punya jalan lo sendiri. lo ga ngejalanin idup macam orang lain karena yang ini yang bisa ngejalanin ya elo doang. dan tiap orang punya medan perang dan kemampuan masing-masing untuk dituntaskan dan dimanfaatkan.

Aaaaaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin.

yak jadi gue akan menikah dengan masafumi gotoh suatu saat nanti. (atau yang mirip)

buat anda yang memilih pergi

buat anda yang di sana, yang katanya memilih pergi
anda yang katanya tidak kuat menahan sakit hati
tapi buat saya, sekarang, hanya terlihat seperti seseorang yang lari

maaf kalau saya juga termasuk dari yang membuat anda sakit hati, maaf
maaf saya tidak bisa sadar lebih awal, tidak bisa membantu menarik anda dari sakit hati itu
maaf, karena saya menyadari... sakit hati itu bagian dari bertumbuh, dan saya memilih menjadikan sakit hati saya pupuk dan bukan pagar
maaf, saya terlambat menyadari, sehingga saya tidak bisa membuat anda menyadari hal itu juga

saya berusaha menghadapi sakit hati saya, entah itu dengan membunuh hati, entah itu dengan berhenti merasa
tapi rasanya, sekarang saya masih baik-baik saja, dan akan baik-baik saja

mungkin ada banyak hal yang membuat anda sakit hati waktu itu.... saya tidak tau mana yang paling berpengaruh, tapi rasanya 1 hal yang (rasanya waktu itu anda katakan) anda benci, kalau saja anda mau tetap ada dan melihat, ternyata tidak sesignifikan itu perannya

saya masih baik-baik saja, dan akan baik-baik saja

anda juga membuat saya sakit hati, kami yang ditinggal sakit hati... seolah mengatakan apa yang selama ini (terlalu sedih mengatakan 'dulu'...) kita (KITA, KITA) punya bukan apa-apa... bahwa keluarga yang KITA coba bentuk bukanlah keluarga seharusnya...

bukan anda satu-satunya yang sakit hati
tapi kami harus berusaha menghadapi, kita harusnya berusaha menghadapi

untuk anda yang masih lari, ya... saya pribadi menganggap anda seorang yang lari... pikirkan sendiri apa artinya seseorang yang lari dan bukan menghadapi...


p.s. sebelum anda bertambah sakit karena kebetulan anda membaca ini, lalu jadinya (tambah) membenci saya:

tidak, saya tidak menulis ini karena merasa lebih baik dari anda, atau karena merasa anda lebih buruk dari saya.

anda bibit yang lebih baik dari saya. saya hanya punya keinginan untuk tumbuh, dan kalau bisa, bersama-sama dengan bibit-bibit yang sama-sama diletakkan di lahan yang sama dengan saya waktu itu.

saya menulis ini karena saya sakit hati. karena anda memilih untuk tidak bertumbuh bersama-sama dengan saya lagi.

wtf

don't mind the title, it's simply the first thing that comes in my mind once i realize what's actually happening.
a one long late realization that is..
damn.

credit to: thingsweforget.blogspot.com

don't bottle it up. seriously.
you'll get surprised by how much unnecessary hatred, how big the storm of misunderstanding created by shutting self down when you shouldn't.

i don't do premonition, i don't have 6th sense or stuff... i wouldn't know if you don't tell me...
just call me cold or something how i simply tactless for not noticing... i'm not observant enough, i'm not warm enough... yeah i know...

that's why, just say it...

i'm not good with people, never been good in it.
and if you're curious, yeah i've been wondering why i'm working in this field. or will be working in such field.

shit.

why can't people just say what they have in mind.

having high hopes on getting noticed when you're down is, in my opinion, stupid.
i've been there. for quite many times, many enough that i quit hoping someone will realized there's something wrong even when i say i'm fine.

i quit giving clues.
so i quit hoping.
so i quit hurting.

maybe that's exactly what makes me never notice much of someone else.

lesson for today

dari pagi dulu ya...

1. selalu pasang jam di kamar mandi
damn gue kelamaan mandi huhuhuhuhu....

2. mendingan ngomong panjang lebar capek hati daripada ngelakuin hal yang ga biasa dan nantinya bokap lo ngomel2 heboh
sebenernya darah menstruasi itu wajib elo sendiri yang nyuci apa ngga sih? berhubung pembokat gue suka ga bisa dikasi tau gitu kamar gue kunci (gue tidak pernah ngunci kamar biasanya) biar nanti gue sendiri yang nyuci.. dan entah kenapa hari laknat ini bertepatan dengan h-1 deadline pengumpulan form pajak. dan berkas perpajakan bokap gue ada di kamar gue semua. dan ini bokap gue marah-marah 'kalo kamu ga ngunci uda selesai daritadi' padahal ngeliat formnya aja dia bingung mau ngisinya gimana. dan nyokap gue nyaris ga bantu sama sekali cuma melengking doang. dan gue menyaksikan bokap gue ngata2in nyokap gue (oh! it's in the gene!). dan gue dikatain pembokat sama bokap. (udah sering sih kayaknya)

3. kalo cuma bisa jumawa ngurus finansial tapi ga bantu suaminya ngisi form pajak, udah ga usah nikah aja gimana?
ini life lesson banget. gue ga mau nikah. serius.

4. kalo emang ngeliat formnya bingung ga usah ngomel: 'kamu sih pake ngunci pintu! ini harusnya udah selesai!' gue yakin ujungnya lo bakal nungguin gue pulang untuk nyuruh gue ngisi ini form

5. ngisi form pajak itu jangan mepet. dan kalo lo inget untuk ngisi form lo sendiri ga mepet deadline, tolong lo ingetin itu orang yang kurang lebih ga menggunakan agenda untuk ngatur idupnya, jadi ga bakal inget hal yang ga di depan mata kaya gitu. kalo lo cuma bisa sotoy jumawa tapi ternyata ga bisa ngingetin dan sekarang ujungnya ga bantuin, kenapa juga lo ada sih?

6. staff faal ga selamanya rapi? ya ya ya... masa iya pemimpin praktikumnya ga ngasi tau fasil harus ngawas mahasiswa dan ga ngasi tau mahasiswa fasilnya siapa. grrr. dan pulang sebelum semuanya selesai praktikum. GRRRRRR.

7. jangan pulang ke rumah kalo ujungnya lo cuma disamain sama orang asing yang dibayar untuk kerja. jangan pulang kalo lo bahkan ga dapet ucapan selamat datang. jangan pulang kalo lo cuma ada untuk disuruh-suruh tapi nantinya dibegoin. makasih.

8. kalo lo ngeliat anak lo uda sekitar SMP atau SMA atau tentunya lebih tua, selalu ingat kalo dia punya agenda sendiri, dan mungkin dia ngatur agendanya lebih rapi dari lo. dan tugas mendadak dari lo sebenernya bisa ngancurin semua jadwalnya dia.

udah semua belum ya?

satu lagi deh:
kalo anak lo sampe ngancem mau beli makanan dulu waktu nunggu lo selesai kerja itu bisa berarti 2:
1. dia ga percaya lo bakal selesai dalam hitungan kurang dari setengah jam
2. dia lapar berat
untuk kasus gue tadi: both.

pas balik ternyata mampir ke pizza hut dulu nuker tutup botol coca cola. oh oke dijabanin.
pizza hut nunggunya lama, kita keliling cari tempat drop off form pajak. hipoglikemi sih, tapi oh oke yaudahlahyaa.
selesai dari pizzahut nyokap ga langsung ngehubungin supir. nunggu dulu. okelah.
lapar: gue buka pizzanya, makan.
bayangin: pegang pizza yang dimakan, pizza yang di kotak, hp, mp3 --> tangan penuh.
dan emak gue ngeliat gue kesusahan pun tidak, jadi dia ga mau geser pas naik mobil, gue disuruh naik dari pintu sebelah. tapi dia ga mau bukain pintu.

mak gue laper loh.

sumpah. gue akan memberi mereka silent treatment untuk sebulan ke depan. CIH.

i am a whiner, yes i know. tapi kalo gue ga whining nanti makin sakit. jadi whining aja lah ya.
gue nanti berencana kabur dari rumah kalo uda jago main solanin terus gue rekam terus gue upload kasih ke gotoh.
ga kabur juga sih. rencananya sih mau mati aja.

yaudahlahya.

besok mau ke pkm. kalo sampe ada rujukan macem2 periksa aneh2 lalalili gue cuma minta duitnya aja.
if i truly am having one severe anemia, i'll make sure my parents are the last to know.
mereka bakal tau nanti kalo fungsi jantung gue uda bermasalah.

DAN INI KENAPA SEPUPU2 GUE PADA NANYAIN GUE SAKIT GINJAL APA KAGAK??????

gue ga sebersahabat itu sama IPD kok, makasih.

HA HA

"It's not just pretty faces that make a fanbase, it's the talents that back up the faces." Oh my God, this is too true.

it came from one of my junior status, seemingly talking about a korean boyband.
srsly girl, wake up... -____-"

i flail over matsujun and arashi and nino or whoever because they are ENTERTAINING not talented.
my husband is talented, yet that's not what i flail him for...
so really i was like: haa?

i'm not saying they're talentless or what... i don't listen to them at all, and won't. and perhaps even when one day i try to, i won't be enjoying it much since this lovely brain of mine has been too much gotoh-ed for good. i've reached the stage in which i can only digest his voice... so you may try and yet in the end i'll be this loyal wifey of gotchi-san...

WHAT IS IT ABOUT DANCING BOYS???????

i like arioka daiki, i admit that. HE IS CUTE.
and matsujun... and nino... they're some awesome actors. and nino's voice is very soft, it's nice to listen to.
and watching arashi is fun.
and i'm not even watching them as guilty pleasure, it's just pure fun...
i want my kid to be that handsome yes :D

i think i'm really being a prick, aren't i? haha

the word 'talented' in my opinion, is a totally heavy word to be given as a compliment...
ask the owner of the korean agency when they're searching for their artists, what's the x factor of qualifying them?

it's an idol agency indeed. they're looking for what the market wants.
and no, perhaps the market doesn't ask for voices THAT beautiful. or SUCH writing ability. or just such IDEALISM to be brought on their songs.
it's entertainment. life is hard enough already. and these boybands are some cheap rainbow colored sweets sold everywhere. sweet, rottening, fake, complete with preservatives *coughPLASTICSURGERYcough*. entertaining much yes/yes? so here goes the idol.

well, AKG is not. so how would you oppose that? *nyolot*

HAHAHAHAHA

gue anak yang menikmati menjadi nyolot

asking

dear

i have always wanted to ask you something...
it's not really just a question out of the blue, no...
i have always wanted to ask, remember...
it's a question out of loneliness, when there isn't supposed to be any
it's a question out of insecurity, when i don't exactly know how life can be any better

it's just me, really
but i want to ask

have you ever listen to me... like listen to me, really?
probably not, i don't remember having a proper heart to heart conversation. or just a proper conversation maybe. no, telling me off to school or ordering me around or questioning when i'll be going home or the not-so-subtle attempt of lowering me when you think you're just motivating me in your own way DON'T COUNT.

seriously, ever try asking how i am doing, and perhaps barging in a little when i say i'm fine while you can see obviously see that i'm not?
wait, you don't actually know when the hell i'm fine and when i'm not...

okay next question
mention my needs, please... oh do you even know?

i need food, yeah everyone does... food that actually quite inadequate remembering how I GOT DYSPEPSIA THANKS, the school is quite some hell, and I'M OUTSIDE THE HOUSE FOR LIKE 12 HOUR MINIMAL EVERYDAY THANKS.
you don't notice? you don't know how much they packed me. yeah they packed it for me. not you.

i need hugs. as silly as it sounds. no matter how old i am. i am a kid. a useless one as you seem to always put out. i need moral support, yet we don't even talk. you don't ask and i think i forgot (or just never know) how to blurt this out nicely.
i go imagine a huge bear namely Sei to hug me, and a masafumi gotoh to give me some wise word and lulled me to sleep. erasing whatever bad mood i have. how pathetic is that?

i feel lonely when i'm not even out of the house... it's just might i fell less lonely when i am... questioning why i'm out of the house so much?

i need trust and i need to trust. i don't think i get one, i'm useless, right? you're super duper positive about it, i believe. and so i got hurt by those with whom i supposed to feel the safest. what is it about insecurity, again?
and so i don't trust the closest, trusting those outside the wall might just makes things worse. makes me worse.

i need a heart.
remind me of having one.
i think i might forgot that i have one if only it doesn't hurt nor suffocate me from time to time, if only duck tape is enough to keep it from crumbling again and again, and if only... well just if only...

okay crap... next
why do you even want me to come home?
i don't give a damn use here, and you know it
we don't talk much, we don't meet often
then so, why? it's not that you're keeping a good eye on me or anything.
what's so good about keeping a good eye when you know not a single damn thing about me crumbling?

i'm useless for you, and so i'll go
finding a place where i'll do some good
erasing those trace of uselessness
or maybe just erasing these whole trace of me

----------------------------------------

i will DEFINITELY leave once i can make my own money.

i have an issue of trusting
ever notice it?

i'm one vengeful kid
do you know?

you kinda break my heart often
do you realize?

i healed slow
you're the one telling me this, yeah

i'm retracting myself
i'm isolating myself
i'm slowly disappearing
i'm slowly erasing

no you have no idea
thanks for actually caring

* * *
new years resolution:
trust no more? haha
be more independent
throw my heart away. so it couldn't be broken yeah.
save money so i can get out of the house sooner.

a wish

dear heart,

please keep on beating.

i need to live just longer. i need to struggle just harder. i need to be just stronger.