Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

if you want a real political view respect from you daughter, you shouldn't have said "what the hell is wrong with you?" when for once, I'm having a different opinion.

And it really is unfair, comparing what you remember about Mei 98, with my 7-years-old at that time memories.
"Kamu inget ngga"
Ingesss mikir aja ngga jaman itu.

and by the way how do you know media those days weren't politicized? You didn't exactly have comparison, did you?

Now i will defy whatever you say just to tick you off.

Ps: i'm sorry i outgrew your political view.

*I really shouldn't have  read the hunger games* *or anything about rebellion*

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Many days many things much thought much feeling

Long time since the last time i even logged in!
on my 6th month here in Buton. Almost halfway through. Can't say it's perfectly smooth, but i will manage.
It's bumpy here and there, mostly in "human interaction" part. Or just simply in being human.

Lots of thing happen. There were things that i missed going at home. There were moments i wish i could attend, effort i wish i had act upon, consolation i wish i could give or maybe have. I... am not the one with most regret, at least i hope so. but sure i have stuff i could patch up here and there. step by step. Little by little.

Chin up, straighten up, hype up.
Hup hup ha!

all in all, this place wasn't that bad. If you compare with others... perhaps we have less facility, more rural area, less entertainment (?), and all sorts. But really, it's not some place i feel like running away from.

It's nice, not wanting to escape from anything.

People are nice when you don't put too much thought into it. It's just the hospital management is rubbish. It's eye opening, knowing how exactly adults work. There goes my trust for the government, at any level. Ha.

Living independently away from home is new. It's challenging to say the least. My first worry was more about taking care of myself, doing housework and all sort. Have no experience in it, but has no intention in being incompetent. Turns out I can be a fast learner if i have to. It's probably a bit sad to say i'm quite used to being away from my family. Five years of living at home but not exactly living together at least for around three years...living two hours away relying on Jakarta's patience-wearing public transportation.I'm probably also used to not getting what i want, too. So at sometime i stopped wanting for something too badly (oh i remember the cause for this one! It's kayo's case!), or relying on anyone else. To put it simply, i'm a spoiled kid with trust issue (With a commuting skill! And now with basic cooking skill!).

We came as friends. Whatever it is i can call friend from this school, with my trust issue. (Because really, none of you share my hardship bearing jakarta's unexpected traffic, and in the end none of you really cared, didn't you?). But somewhere in the middle we drifted apart. it's quite pathetic to be honest. None of us genuinely trying to fix the relationship... it doesn't feel genuine at least to me. Always like "what now? What's next?" Bracing myself for underlying venom, bracing myself for disappointment. But it's me with my trust issue, so let's just leave it at that.

We drifted apart. Everybody's changing, Tom Chaplin sang. Not exactly change of character, scarily it feels more like reveal of nature. It tests your ability to adapt, to blend.. no, to tolerate would be more accurate...
In the end we still drifted apart. Period. I failed to tolerate, and i failed to negotiate with myself trying to reason people's behavior or action.

It goes with the line "whatever the hell is wrong with you?"

See, i don't tolerate.

I need to practise on it, about lashing out, putting out the right words and choosing the right temper to manner it. But seriously, i haven't been this vicious verbally, even with ibuk-ibuk tenabang and mbak-mbak sudirman (well, i was vicious with a stabbing pen though) for quite some time...

I need to change that part of me, at least i know that. I need to not thinking things that doesn't need my concern.

At least i'm wishing to change myself, still. It's a start. Let's see if i can manage it.

Some revelation:
The thing is, any kind of relationship, even the mutual one, isn't always as mutual as it seems. You might love not as equally deep and still be with each other, one might sacrifice more than the other for the sake of the pair. Same goes with friendship... there are levels of it, and between two people, it wasn't always on the same level. Realising that shouldn't make you stop hanging out with each other, let alone make you enemies. You should just value what you have, it might deepen over time or it might not.

When you can't get what you want or have what you expected, it's not always the world's fault, and you can't always blame others. The world isn't a wish granting factory, quoted from John Green. And more importantly, the world doesn't revolve around you.
So you don't get the consolation you want? Have it cooked and swallow it, then move on with a fuller tummy and a wiser mind.

Because really, the world doesn't work your way.

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last post from home this year (maybe)

hello. how is it going for you?
i don't exactly have any idea in how to put it nicely.
so i won't put it nicely anyhow. nice is not me. nice got me flirted by the security guards, which annoys me to the core. (like seriously, is being polite such rarity? and i'm not even polite most of the time!)

so i will be going to buton next tuesday!
have only heard the name of the place the day i found out i'll be assigned there. (or we chose, more or less, no palpable conflict, nice place with great scenery.. but definitely: hopefully no conflict election related)

next update will be from buton!

still in packing ruckus. will have loads and loads extra baggage, most definitely. like i haven't even pack the electronic devices, for pete's sake.

aaaaaaaand... the thing to not be put nicely:
fuck. i'm worried.
i'm not the nicest person. i realize most of the time i'm bitching out. (or maybe that's because i spend too much time at home, where most of the time i met my maids, whom honestly i hate.. one because i suspect her for theft, the other for being oh so very slow (like, how could anyone hasn't killed you before!?))
i need to interact with other people more. i behaved better that way. but now, i'm not in the right shape. so i'm worried. ugh.

let's pray for my (thin, long gone, supressed) patience and rationality.
i need to be more sherlock-ish. i need to be more John-ish.
scratch that. i need john.

i need to be confident. not be some pompous bastard, or an arrogant sod. but seriously i think the reason i'm being such a jerk is because of my lack in confindence....



and that aside.
emotional roller coaster.
happy for 4nin kat-tun. not just happy. i think i'm being attacked by all those performance and photoshoot and plain awesomeness.
TOMORROW IS THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY!! #savetheday .... i'm grateful i'm home for the day. hopefully for the torrent to finish download too!
the one and only member of JKT48 i rooted for decided to graduate. it's apparently more heart wrenching than i ever anticipated.
still agonizing for sherlock, and the hobbit. and whatever fandom storm to come.
i miss gotoh, it turns out. listening to his voice kills me inside a bit. nice to know i'm still human-ish.


and sort.


if i keep on being this absurd, i can definitely scratch marriage of my future plan.


oh yeah, more news: i'm starting to put on make up! haha. along with the (hopefully will be formed) good behaviour, i'll be aging my self up to appear as a proper doctor.
just hope it won't attract unwanted attention. (it has, the security guards. urgh.)

ga mau jadi dokter.
uda jadi, gimana dong.
maunya jadi apa.
jadi manajer band.

#savetheday #saveme #doctor_please_come_with_the_tardis

see you in buton.

long time no see

hello there,
i'm living if anyone wondered. well, not the kind of alive I would be proud of. but i breathe, i eat, i sleep, i function, i get through medschool, and i'm functioning. so, living, basically.

lots of things happen since the last post. when was that again? february?
i haven't been writing for a very long time, therefore i'll just write nothingness here... haha.
so after those last posts series, i've been through the ob-gyn module... in which i finally found enjoyment in academic things, and i miraculously ace the final exam.
later, internal medicine module, with the whole issue of national competency exam had to be done early (which caused a total ruckus, obviously), which i passed. probably just barely. but my dislikes for the people(?) and the atmosphere(?) prevent me from truly learning and enjoying the subjects.
i realize just now, it was selfish of me. but seriously, i think the whole system drained my willingness.
community medicine module. happy happy joy joy with an episode of adrenaline rush from the comprehensive exam. Now though, looking back, my pembimbing akademik was one huge factor to it.
then the elective module! chose ALS module, because anesthesiology is a really charming study haha.
then come masa-pengangguran-penuh-tekanan with the upcoming national exam.
getting passed the exam!

in between though, as you can see i got hooked with Sherlock, the Doctor, (and lots of JE fandoms, and 48 group too surprisingly).

and now, masa-pengangguran

i suppose i can study freely now without the pressure.

and do things i couldn't do previously. things fandom or just for fun stuff. money is still a huge hindrance though.

haven't been writing for a looooooong time.

so i can't exactly form something systematic here.

i used to write to reflects on events and thought. and then i quit. it was probably due to lack of time at first, but i know deep down it's just because i was in sort of denial. something like, i know i'm doing things wrong, and i got nothing to blame, and not that i'm supposed to put the blame on anything, but if i acknowledge it i might just get another source of depression, and it wasn't exactly the right time for that.

but seriously, no time is the right time for depression.

so somehow along the way i just get numb.

why back now?

i'm writing, as you can see... this post will get riddiculously long, i assure you.

i'm bored. i need to keep my brain stimulated. no, slash that, i need to start stimulate my brain.

therefore, i write.

i quit being in organization, so i kind of lose my idealist sense. well, i go to a point of being ignorant, and pretty much lazy as fuck. questioning things i didn't question before such as "why am i doing this again?", only get hyped when money is on view, being an over-deadliner, all sorts of that. i was acutely aware of myself being a big jerk, and didn't care. and now thinking over it, where the hell has my early school years self gone to?

hhmm let's see what else i flunked this past year...

ah yeah that.

i think i should start whipped myself for that.again, being a big jerk. i am ashamed of myself, yet not doing anything about it. can't say anything much about it, can you?

i'm beginning to think i'm too weird for normal social life. had always been with school friends only, which isn't exactly a large circle to begin with, doesn't really like chitchatting with old colleague, haven't met any new acquaintance for... years? basically got no new-friend-making capability, too judging sometimes-most of the times, things i like isn't what people interested in... and all sorts. and believe me, if i don't meet anyone new, i don't think i'll fall in love. therefore, i probably will keep marriage as a foreign concept.

i'm finding the concept of sharing moments (photos etc etc) on social media dull, and my reaction to people's post absurd... like... i don't want you to know, so i don't post, i don't want to know either, why the hell do i make this account...

socmed has been mainly for bashing, fangirling, and getting news only, more pie on fangirling.

oh god, been writing it since morning and it's now 5 pm. got side tracked very easily me. i need to read something my brain rots. i really should start to do some studying.

what else do i have in mind? might just remember it later and posts some more....

oh... i wanted to rant about 48 group fangirling!

i'm not that generous with thoughts on them to make a proper single post, so i'll just write it here?

it started with JKT, the local one... not one i fond of, but eversince i kinda followed their activity though obviously not closely. last year election got my attention to the huge group, make me respect the girls, though seriously their piece isn't exactly what i enjoy. supporting kasai, then kasai got dissed, then i went 'seriously this is worse than JE -.-'. then UZA happenned, then i saw sayanee, been into NMB since then. still following the local to most of the time criticize. during this masa-pengangguran, went to theater twice.

.... comparing to how i react during watching kanjani or KAT-TUN's concert... you can't exactly say i enjoy this 48 group. i pretty sure i even scared one of the local girls with my serious face when watching, so very judgingly. i'll be honest though, they really got my respect, speaking of the 48 group in general. and akimoto sensei is a great song writer, and a group that big really have the budget to hire a good composer, so there are actually some songs i like. and i'm still pissed/worried when the local group got to perform the song... somehow always anticipating for them to dissappoint me. bad impression the first gen made, i must say. now that i watched the theater performance, there are JKT girls that gained my respect, those who deserve more attention/push/screentime and sort. and the second gen are better performers than the management makes us think.

another fangirling rant.

a heart breaking event just took place a couple of days ago.

JE no longer conducted by Johnny's so stupid things keep coming out. something almost similar to seeing esbeye leading the country. stupid decisions stupid decisions everywhere. wrong pushes, wrong pushes everywhere.

they cut the contract with Koki.

and I can't help worrying what will they do with KAT-TUN's music later. since as i told you, the management has only been stupid.

the rap, the beatbox... which at times will be empty without the rap, and the rockish tune, and the rattle-tattle MC segment, and the bad boy image..... all the things that make KAT-TUN definitely not an average johnny's idol group.

hyphen will continue support both Koki and KAT-TUN. but i wonder what can we do to make sure that butthead so-called-management to not damage KAT-TUN's music. i mean... to help them we will need to make whatever it is they release later got multi platinum sales. but again, if they damage KAT-TUN's music i'm scared they will make more of that......... la la lalala lalalalallaal

can only hope for things not getting worse the best... 

/group hug/

At that one time of the month

Hello.

I must warn you. I am naturally bad tempered and hot headed.

It's just you meet me now on my worst.

I'm sorry i can not reply cheerfully, therefore properly, to any of your friendliness.

I'll try not to hurt you, or anyone else, more than i already do.

So please, please.
Don't. Provoke. (The savage beast in) Me.

Thank you for your understanding.