half hearted

so i'll be here... flipping back memories. no it wasn't so bad. the old days.

it's not bad at all, in fact.

part of me missess those days. i don't know if you do too. but even so i'm sure you're having them treasured in your mind too.

i'm probably one who stuck with the past. half heartedly.

whether it's bad or good, i don't know. being half hearted in something like this.(laugh)

what's good of me that's left, i'm wondering. i surely waste so much oxygen, and money, being alive.

but to die is not an option since i'm too indebted to life. 'at least try repaying first' i thought. yeah, at least i have to try giving some payback.

seeing how it was back then, it's kinda scary how i am what i am right now. what happenned? many things did. but which is doing which, which of those has cut the strings in me, i don't know anymore.

so i remember reading somewhere about the youngsters being all idealist; optimistic-fired up- all ready to make change. and by middle age you are one realist; a total pesimist, almost synical about everything.

i'm only 20, yet i feel like 50. oh how i lose the ability - or probably the will- to trust anyone at all.

i miss my spirit.

i miss how i don't care about everyone else's opinion to go on.

how i can easily sort 'i will listen to these ones but i will ignore these others'

how i have so much courage inside me.

how i can voice out my thought easily.

how i'm dyed in my own colour.

i know i lost faith somewhere.

it might start with a little misunderstanding or something similar. yes, that. a little, yet unsorted and unsolved misunderstanding. leaving a cleft, of feeling betrayed, in my heart. and so now there's a gaping hole, making me a crippled on being able to trust.

losing passion, wondering what i'm doing everyday.

no sense of achievement at all.

if i try giving a little effort thinking about it, i think i know why.

you know that nice feeling of having a dream right? of setting up goal? of running your best toward that goal? of giving it all, trying to reach.

well imagine trying, and not having the slightest clue whether you are heading closer to the goal or not.

i guess i'm just half hearted.

i guess i'm just too cowardly.

yeah, i think too much about these meaningless fear of failing.

at some point i'm desperate. half heartedly desperate. yes even at this i'm half hearted.

i know i've been half hearted that maybe the solution to breakfree from my silly complex is just to give it my all that i don't have any regret in the end.

and yet, i don't want to push myself more out of fear of feeling an even greater confusion, and perhaps pain, of not getting lost.

i probably just need to push myself harder.

but seriously. after being lost and swirled around for quite some time, missing the feeling of arriving at a destination can be frustrating.

let's just say those kind of acknowledgement is my basic need to go on. and, well, not having it... is killing me.

half heartedly wanting

half heartedly fighting

half heartedly laughing

half heartedly living

i might as well half heartedly crying

yes i'm probably close to a zombie.

wanting my old self back yet too afraid,to even to try, making it happen.

half heartedly stuck in the past.

the always half hearted one

why can't i try to let loose