asking

dear

i have always wanted to ask you something...
it's not really just a question out of the blue, no...
i have always wanted to ask, remember...
it's a question out of loneliness, when there isn't supposed to be any
it's a question out of insecurity, when i don't exactly know how life can be any better

it's just me, really
but i want to ask

have you ever listen to me... like listen to me, really?
probably not, i don't remember having a proper heart to heart conversation. or just a proper conversation maybe. no, telling me off to school or ordering me around or questioning when i'll be going home or the not-so-subtle attempt of lowering me when you think you're just motivating me in your own way DON'T COUNT.

seriously, ever try asking how i am doing, and perhaps barging in a little when i say i'm fine while you can see obviously see that i'm not?
wait, you don't actually know when the hell i'm fine and when i'm not...

okay next question
mention my needs, please... oh do you even know?

i need food, yeah everyone does... food that actually quite inadequate remembering how I GOT DYSPEPSIA THANKS, the school is quite some hell, and I'M OUTSIDE THE HOUSE FOR LIKE 12 HOUR MINIMAL EVERYDAY THANKS.
you don't notice? you don't know how much they packed me. yeah they packed it for me. not you.

i need hugs. as silly as it sounds. no matter how old i am. i am a kid. a useless one as you seem to always put out. i need moral support, yet we don't even talk. you don't ask and i think i forgot (or just never know) how to blurt this out nicely.
i go imagine a huge bear namely Sei to hug me, and a masafumi gotoh to give me some wise word and lulled me to sleep. erasing whatever bad mood i have. how pathetic is that?

i feel lonely when i'm not even out of the house... it's just might i fell less lonely when i am... questioning why i'm out of the house so much?

i need trust and i need to trust. i don't think i get one, i'm useless, right? you're super duper positive about it, i believe. and so i got hurt by those with whom i supposed to feel the safest. what is it about insecurity, again?
and so i don't trust the closest, trusting those outside the wall might just makes things worse. makes me worse.

i need a heart.
remind me of having one.
i think i might forgot that i have one if only it doesn't hurt nor suffocate me from time to time, if only duck tape is enough to keep it from crumbling again and again, and if only... well just if only...

okay crap... next
why do you even want me to come home?
i don't give a damn use here, and you know it
we don't talk much, we don't meet often
then so, why? it's not that you're keeping a good eye on me or anything.
what's so good about keeping a good eye when you know not a single damn thing about me crumbling?

i'm useless for you, and so i'll go
finding a place where i'll do some good
erasing those trace of uselessness
or maybe just erasing these whole trace of me

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i will DEFINITELY leave once i can make my own money.